Why don't you do it then?

Classic human problems: there's something you want to do.  You want to work out, or get more housework done, or stop losing your temper.  And yet, despite feeling strongly that you want to do it, you don't actually do it.

I've been trying to dig into this reality lately, because I've always written it off to "lack of virtue" or "just not trying hard enough" when in reality, that's kind of a non-explanation.  Sure, stuffing my face with an entire pan of brownies is not virtuous.  But what is causing that lack of virtue?  Because let me tell you, years of kicking myself and saying "I shouldn't have done that" isn't doing a thing to change the situation.

So, think of a thing you want to change.  A thing you've told yourself more than once you were going to do differently.  And ask: why don't you do it then?

You don't really want to that much.  This is probably the case with me and the brownies.  I probably shouldn't eat so many brownies, but it's not like I pig out on them that often, and I don't have the motivating factor of gaining weight.  Sometimes I get a bellyache from eating too many brownies, but it's not as unpleasant as the brownies are delicious, so I find that on some level I've pretty much made my peace with occasionally going wild on a sugary treat.  Sometimes a person has a habitual sin that they always confess, but when it comes down to it, they aren't really that sorry because in reality they don't think it's that bad.  They know they should think it's bad, but they don't feel it is, and that's why they're not putting forth any serious effort to change.

The price is too high.  You want a promotion, but it would take a lot of extra hours and extra work and in reality, you don't want that promotion enough to accept the price.  Maybe it's time to make your peace with your choices.  Instead of telling yourself over and over you want the promotion while not working any harder, say, "I'd like the promotion, but it isn't worth the extra work it would take."  You have my permission to whine about how high the price is.  Life is unfair and you don't have to like that.

You're scared.  This is why I don't go to the dentist, even though I really sincerely do want to go to the dentist.  I tell myself it's because I'm not sure I have the money in the bank this month or because I'm too busy or because I forgot to call them, but those are all smokescreens.  In reality, I'm terrified of calling them because calling strangers is scary.  And I'm also not super keen about getting my cavities drilled.  I'm going to have to reach a point where my desire to go overcomes my fear, and then I'm going to have to use a zillion coping mechanisms to make myself make the call.

You don't have a time to do it.  If you make a plan to "work out daily" but you don't have a special time in the day to do it, you're not going to do it.  If you want a thing to be part of your routine, you put it in your routine in a specific place and always do it at that time.  It may be that your whole schedule doesn't have room for the thing you want to add, or maybe you don't have any routines and live every day like a free spirit.  If you really want to acquire a habit, you're going to have to sit down and make a routine or schedule of your time.  Most of my day is unscheduled but I used to have a clear system for my mornings in which I got the essential stuff done.  Just figure out when you're going to do the thing, and stick to it slavishly.  If you skip a day, you're just making it harder for yourself.  Once you've done it every day for a couple of weeks, you can coast on the momentum.

You forget.  Some things don't fit into a daily schedule.  How will you remember to pay the bills monthly, call the dentist, whatever?  Well, if you're like me, you forget because you didn't write it down.  Make a system.  There are a zillion online apps for this.  Google Calendars is good for things that have to be on a certain day, Trello is good for to-do lists.  Or there's always a sticky note on the fridge.  Don't invent a whole new system each time you have to remember something.  Have a place where all the stuff you have to remember is, and check it often.

You have a short time preference.  That is, you care a lot more about the present than the future.  This can be a real flaw, because there are some long-term things you really are going to have to do.  But you can help yourself out by breaking a task down and rewarding yourself for completing bits of it.  If you want to lose weight, that's a long goal, whereas the brownies are a quick reward.  Some people make themselves work out extra if they go off their diet.  It doesn't have to be enough to burn off the junk food, just enough to make it not worth it to eat the junk food because you're going to have to pay for it that same day.  I sometimes promise myself something I enjoy -- a cup of tea, some time with a book -- if I get my chores done.  Just something to make the chores immediately rewarding, because I'm not that motivated by "the sense of accomplishment" or working toward a faraway goal.

You aren't actually capable of it.  When Miriam was very small, I couldn't keep my temper.  I tried and tried.  I desperately wanted to because there's nothing worse than the guilt of having yelled at my kids.  I just wasn't able to do it, despite lots of motivation and trying different tactics.  In the end, I am almost positive it had to do with postpartum hormones, sleep deprivation, and a total lack of space to decompress.  It's useless to say "I should be virtuous enough to overcome those things."  I wasn't!  So you can accept your limits and try to work within your deficiency -- that is, I would ask for a chance to nap on the weekends, try to get some time to decompress in the evenings, and so forth.  That was helpful.  Or you could try to heal the problem -- which in that case probably would have meant going to see a doctor, though I do think meditation was helpful to some degree.  Currently, the thing I'm not doing is chores.  I get the dishes and laundry done each day and I feel exhausted.  I want to do more.  I always say I'm going to do some folding or organizing or sweeping and it just doesn't happen.  And I've realized it's not a lack of motivation -- I very simply lack energy to do those things.  I know because if I were just slacking, I'd be doing fun stuff like spinning or taking the kids to the library, but I don't have energy for those things either.  And periodically I do have energy and I do a ton without any real effort.  So maybe rather than motivational tactics, I need to get my iron levels checked or something.  I'm not entirely sure what's the matter with me, but till I find out, I'm going to try not to be so hard on myself.  I've gotten the kids to pick up their toys more, and I try not to look at the cobwebs.  Things will get better and then I'll do better.  No use beating myself up for something that's not a character flaw.

What do you want to do that you never do?  Why do you think you're not doing it?

Pro tip for adults

I wish there were a class on adulting that you could take so you know all the things you'll need as an adult.  I mean, I took a course in life skills where I learned to make pizza, read a map, and change a tire, but somehow they never mentioned that you're supposed to keep track of the phone number of everyone you've ever worked for so that you can give it to other people you might want to work for in the future.  Or that you can seriously ruin your heater if you don't change the filter monthly -- something I didn't find out till I'd left it undone for four years.

Today's pro tip is about keeping records.  Start doing it today, because the awful thing about keeping records is that the only way you find out you needed to know something is by needing to know it and not having it.

What I should have done years ago, and am going to start doing now, is keeping a records notebook, apart from my journal (because who wants to flip through pages of angst to get to the date of your last dentist appointment?) where I write literally everything I might want to know about later.  Here are a few things you should be keeping track of:

*Dentist and doctor appointments: The date, what it was for, and everything you learned.  Do it for the kids, too, and record their stats (height, weight) and everything else you learn.  I thought I would remember Miriam's blood type, but apparently I overestimated how well my brain was working postpartum.  Write that stuff down.  Of course you should be keeping a vaccine record and a record of any major illnesses.  You don't want to be scratching your head years later trying to remember which of your kids have and haven't had the chicken pox.

*Major life changes: Keep a record of every place you have worked and every place you have lived.  You'll need that information in case of a background check.  Make sure you have addresses and phone numbers.

*Home maintenance: Write down when you purchased oil, if you have oil heat, so you know when to buy more and how much you usually use.  Write down any service your heater and other appliances get and when they are due for more.  Write when you change your air filters and water filters, if you have them.A  It's good to keep the forwarding address for the previous owner of your home, in case you get important mail for them or collections calls. 

*Car maintenance: Record all service on your vehicle and put future service due on your calendar.

*Receipts: Keep them as long as it takes for you to be sure you aren't going to be returning anything.  Seems every time I want to return something, I've lost the receipt.  I'm going to start keeping them in my wallet and clean out old ones every few weeks.  But it's nice to keep a grocery receipt every once in awhile so you can keep track of how your spending changes over time.  Is it going up because you're buying more luxuries, or is it just that prices are rising?  That sort of thing.

*Addresses: My mom had everyone's contact information in a Rolodex.  I don't have a Rolodex because theoretically I have all that information elsewhere -- phone numbers in my phone, addresses somewhere in my gmail archives, except for some that I don't seem to have at all.  I once sent my phone through the washing machine and permanently lost touch with a friend, because her number was the only contact info I had.  You wouldn't think that would happen in the Facebook age, but it does.  And of course, if you want to send someone a surprise gift, you don't want to first email them for their address!  I'm going to be looking around for a good way to keep and organize contact information online.  If I can't find one ... I think I'll have to time-travel back to the 90's and buy myself a Rolodex.

*Gardening: I have been told all good gardeners keep records.  I always mean to, and then I don't.  I don't remember what I planted where even just last year.  Oops.  You should record what you planted, when, and where, as well as what pests you experienced and what your yield was like.

*Recipes: I used to copy and paste any online recipe that worked well for me into a Word document.  This was really handy when my favorite carrot muffin recipe disappeared off the internet.  Sadly, it was lost forever when my hard drive got fried.

Which brings me to the last point: back up your files!  I use Dropbox for documents, Picasa for pictures, and Google Play for music.  If there is any digital information you'd hate to lose, keep it in more than one place.  And for some of these records, like children's health records, it might be best to keep them on paper in the same file as birth certificates and such.  That way you'll know you'll always have them.

What I do every day

I was making my to-do list today (still a work in progress ... that is to say, it's still in my head, and with the growth of my to-do list and the shrinkage of my brain space, this is no longer an efficient system) when I wondered if I should include those things that are on my to-do list every day.

So I started thinking over the things I have to do every day, and came up with this list:

Dress 3 people.  On average, change each person's clothes at least once.

Make breakfast

Make lunch

Make dinner

Make a snack

Sweep all floors (yes, daily, we have a very sheddy dog)

Do laundry

Wash dishes

Pick up toys, once only because I'm not superwoman here

Change Marko's diaper, x 6

Those times I neglected to change it fast enough, clean up puddles from when he took off his diaper and peed on the floor, x 4

Help Michael pee in the potty, x 20

Clean up pee misses, x 5

Occasionally go potty myself.  Maybe x 3.  Say loudly, "Wow, good for me!  I peed in the potty!"  Take razor away from toddler and put it out of reach.

Walk dog (he can exercise in the yard, but for several reasons it's better to walk him.  This is the big stressful event of my day.  Imagine a dog who is trying to drag me the length of the block, a baby in a wrap who insists on chewing on my thumb the whole time, and a toddler who mostly listens but occasionally just makes a run for it.)

Let out dog to pee, x 1-2

Put baby down for a nap, x 4 or more

Fetch baby who is crying after sleeping for half an hour, x 4

Fill up water pitcher, Marko's sippy cup, and my glass, x 6

Nurse baby, x 12-20

Clean up inevitable spitup, x 12-20

Comfort crying baby, varies

Comfort screaming Marko, varies

Put baby to bed

Pack John's lunch (Sun-Fri only)

Wake up at night with baby, x 2-6

Wake up at night with Marko, x 0-2

That's what I do every day, Saturday and Sunday included.  (John helps with some on the weekends, which is why I call them my "days off.")

Now I'm beginning to wonder if there's really room on my to-do list for the things I wanted to do today:

Mow lawn

Bathe cat

Write two thank-you cards

Wash kitchen floor

Clean, I mean actually clean and not spot-clean, bathroom

Fold ALL the laundry

Start broccoli and cabbage seedlings

More weeding

Finish library books so they will only be a week overdue when I return them tomorrow

Clean cat's litterbox

Put away tomato seeds that I saved and are ready for storage

Find out if the local La Leche League is on the local bus route, and when the next meeting is

Find citations from the Church Fathers giving interpretations of the book of Joshua

Package up a book I borrowed from my grandma so I can mail it back

Vacuum around the dog's kennel (this will take two minutes but it's hard because Marko is scared of the vacuum)

How much of these lists do you suppose I can accomplish?  Especially considering that I'm on here blogging instead of actually doing any of them?  Wish me luck!

The joys of routine

I keep hearing that routines are good for toddlers. That's probably true. But routines just don't come very naturally to me, so we haven't had any.

Well, that's not quite accurate. We have some getting-up and going-to-bed routines. In the morning, Marko gets up, I open the door to his room so he can come out, and then we sit on the couch, read a book, and eat a banana. This helps with the cranky transition from sleeping to being awake. Sometimes he's so chipper in the morning he doesn't want to bother with any of that stuff and goes straight to playing. Meanwhile getting his pajamas and wet diaper off, getting him to sit on the potty, and getting clean clothes on him has often been a battle.

Our night routine is down to a science and works very well. I credit it with the fact that we rarely have any trouble at bedtime. Marko will even ask for the next part of his routine. It goes like this: Daddy gets home at six. We eat dinner right away. After dinner, we dim the lights and put the dog in his kennel, but Marko can keep playing for awhile. But only as long as he's cheerful and chipper without much attention. Once he starts getting clingy or whiny or tantrumy, we start bedtime. First, some time on the potty. Then, a pathetic attempt at brushing his teeth. Then diapers and monkey jams. (Pajamas must have monkeys on them.) Then a book, usually his longest library book or else Babar. It is crucial that he have no toys in his hands for this part or bedtime is totally ruined. We keep reading until he starts getting snuggly and yawning. Then the book mysteriously gets shorter (I skip to near the end). Then I carry Marko into the bedroom -- again, if I let him walk, bedtime is ruined. We sit in the rocking chair and rock while I sing "O God Our Help In Ages Past" or "The Glory of These Forty Days." If I jump right into the song, there isn't usually any argument. But sometimes there is and we have to bargain over the song for awhile. The rocking and singing continues for ten minutes or so and then he passes out. I put him down exactly the same way every night, cover him with the same blanket, and tiptoe out.

These two routines really help with big transitions, and they also mean that either John or I can handle those times because we both do it the same exact way.

I've been trying lately to establish some more routines that can help the rest of our day move more smoothly. They might also help me to get more things done in a day!

The big one is "housework time." I established this at the beginning of Lent when I discovered how dang productive I am if I turn off the computer for one day. I have no desire to try to live without it every day, but I'm trying to make sure I am away from the computer first thing in the morning. I can check it over breakfast, but once I've eaten I have to minimize everything and walk away.

See, once Marko is up for the day and feeling pretty chipper, it's his easiest time of day. It's also my groggiest. So the easiest thing in the world is to wile away that time online while Marko entertains himself. But when I do that, that precious time is lost and I never seem to regain the momentum for the rest of the day. So now that time is housework time: one solid hour in which I don't use the computer or read. I am allowed to play with Marko, read to him, whatever he needs, but I can't waste the time on myself.

So far I've been using that time to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, and tidy the living room. It's also a great time to get laundry started. And Marko loves it. He likes following me from room to room and sometimes helping. Nothing thrills him like getting to sort the silverware or take one diaper at a time from the laundry basket and put it in the diaper basket. Sometimes he insists that housework time continue well past an hour. Sometimes, shockingly, I just keep going anyway. Momentum, you know. It's kind of addictive, getting things clean.

The advantages are really showing. I get a clean kitchen first thing in the morning, which makes me happy all day. I get some time to remember those little chores I tend to forget, like feeding the sourdough, filling up the dog's food container, gathering dirty clothes from around the house so I can start a load without forgetting anything, pulling out something to defrost for dinner, and so forth. Sometimes I use part of this time to bake.

(Side note: I have a baking addiction. I've been baking every day or two, and every single time the whole batch of whatever we've made is gone within 48 hours. This is a problem! I don't feel good eating that much baked goods, but they're ... well ... there. My midwife gave me a great tip: as soon as the rolls or biscuits or muffins are ready, take half of them and put them away in the freezer for after the baby's born. So now I have a half batch of carrot muffins and a half batch of English muffins in there, and I intend to keep adding to that stash ... saving me both a stuffed belly now, and a lot of trouble later.)

I've also fit "dressing Marko" into our routine, and he has been reliably wearing clothes every day this week. He went on an anti-clothes kick lately and would scream when we tried to dress him. I don't mind him running around naked, but it does mean I can't take any adorable pictures of what he's doing ... at least, not that I'm willing to post. At the same time he went on an anti-potty kick and would scream bloody murder if you suggested he use it. He'd be saying he needed to go, doing the potty dance, but the second the potty came in sight, EPIC MELTDOWN. And then he would pee all over my lap five minutes later. After one day in which he peed on me FOUR times (four pee puddles on the floor is not a big deal to me. Five complete outfit changes IS), I figured I would try putting him in pants again. Worse came to worst, he'd go through a lot of pants.

He did, but he loves wearing pants (it's the shirts that were freaking him out) and was willing to change them as often as necessary. For a few days, he came up to me all the time and announced, "No pee in your pants!" (meaning he just had) or "Your pants are wet, let me change them." (Yes, he talks as if he were me. Pronouns are hard, man.) And then ... he seemed to get it a lot better. He's been much more willing to sit on the potty when it's time (mostly still at my direction) and much better about not going in his pants. Which is nice because he only has about six pairs of pants and it's a shame to use them up in one morning. So we'll see.

The result on our routine is that after the banana and perhaps some playtime and some more breakfast comes "time to take off your monkey jams and put on clothes!" And he's been fairly cooperative. He still hates getting the pajamas off (which is weird because he also hates getting them on). But once they're off he's very excited about wearing actual clothes. I get dressed at this time too (no more whole days in pajamas for me!). It's all fitting together into a nice "get ready for the day" time. I know that after two years of being a parent, it's kind of late for me to figure this out. But it sure is handy.

The rest of the day is still pretty much routine-free. We don't even eat lunch at anything like a regular time -- sometimes we have one lunch at ten and another at two, and sometimes just one lunch at noon. And I could set a clock by Marko's 3:30 p.m. tantrum. Which is kind of why I think I could use some more routines. Planning a snack at that time doesn't help, but making it a quiet book-reading time seems to. So perhaps we should schedule a snack at three, then reading books for an hour or so. It might help.

I imagine that when Marko is older and I have more kids, having a set housework time every day will be really handy. First, everyone can participate, so that the big kids get in the habit of getting their chores done first thing in the morning and the little kids get to practice cleaning. Second, I'm sure I'll have more to do, so it will help me get a good running start to the day.

Right now I feel like a domestic GODDESS and the most ultra-efficient mother ever. Probably for doing something every other mother figured out four weeks postpartum with their first child. But hey. It's something, right?

Do you have any routines that save your life?

My #1 housework pet peeve

There are a lot of things that bug me if they aren't done right. I guess my pickiness is a sign that I really am taking on the task of keeping this house together and making it mine. I feel a responsibility for every towel that gets hung (or not hung) and every dish that gets washed (or not washed).

But occasionally I do get help. John does a heck of a lot. And sometimes other friends come over and do a chore here and there while they're visiting. This is wonderful. I'm ever so grateful.

And yet ... they do say, if you want something done right, do it yourself. And when something is not done by me, it's hard for me to relax about it. It might not be done right!

There is one thing, one thing that drives me nuts above any other.

It's more annoying than having my good towels used to clean up spills or dry off the dog, and then having them thrown in the dirty clothes hamper where they will soak all the other clothes and make them mold.

It's more frustrating than when I walk into the kitchen and immediately have to move all the knives, scissors, and pot handles out of the "Marko Reach Zone" -- about 12 inches from the edge, currently, but always extending.

It's more damaging than finding someone has used steel wool on all my teflon pans.

It's worse than when I go to do laundry and the hamper is almost empty ... only to find later, after I've done half a load, that all the important laundry was on the floor somewhere.

It gets under my skin worse than when I am done with the shower and reach out for the towel -- only to find it's hung on the hook on the door, where I can't reach it. (And no, I do NOT want to get out and drip all over the bath mat. Wet bath mats are yucky.)

It wastes more of my time than those 10 minute "blitz" cleanups that happen right before company comes, where stuff is collected from all the visible surfaces and stashed somewhere where I will never see it again.

You want to know what it is?

It's dumb because it is exactly what every other human being in the world likes to do when they walk into a messy kitchen. I must be some kind of freak.

I hate, hate, hate it when all the dishes are piled in the sink.

I know it seems natural. You want to clean off the counter, so you put stuff in the sink. And hey, it'll get a soak in there!

No, no, no. Let me explain why this is the worst thing ever.

1. Some things that are on the counter are not actually dirty, or not very dirty. There's the knife I use to cut cheese -- I use it all day. Just for cheese. But if every hour I go back into the kitchen to cut more cheese (and I do), and every time my cheese knife is swimming in cold grody water ... then I have to get out a new knife every time. Thus resulting in eight knives getting dirty when only one had to.

2. Conversely, some things are extremely dirty. If you put a water glass that just needed a quick scrub, a knife that was only used for cheese, and a bread plate that just needed rinsing, in a sink along with the pan where I browned the hamburger ... the sink will fill up with greasy water and cover every single dish with a nasty greasy film. Now every single dish will need a serious scrub and not a quick touch-up. The same goes for germy things, like the plate I used to cut raw chicken on. Now I don't just have one salmonella-contaminated plate. Now I have a whole sinkful.

3. Some things should not be soaked. And yet they're always in there: wooden spoons and cutting boards that will warp, can openers and cheese graters that will rust, and brillo pads that will dissolve and make the whole sink rusty and nasty.

4. I use that sink to wash dishes in ... but I can't just whip in and wash a couple of things if the whole dang thing is full of dishes. I prefer to keep the sink mostly empty and have room to wash. I also don't like trying to fill up a water pitcher over a towering heap of dishes. I need to have my sink open so I can actually use it!

4. (And this is the REAL reason.) Once the sink is full of cold, nasty, greasy, germy, scummy water ... it will need to be drained. By me. By reaching my hand into that cold, nasty, greasy, germy, scummy water and pulling the plug. Trust me: the more dishes are in that sink, the more scummy water, and the longer they've been there ... the less likely I am to actually brave the nastiness and actually wash them.

So, if you're ever in my kitchen and want to straighten up, but will not be actually washing the dishes ... pile 'em by the sink. PLEASE.

Does anyone else hate this, or is it just me? What are your housework pet peeves?

Housewifery

I don't like being a housewife.

There, I said it.

Don't get me wrong. I love being a stay-at-home mom. I love being with my son all day, the close relationship this helps us have, and the way I'm the expert on his needs. All that is what I stay home for.

I didn't stay home to do housework. Sure, I do it. I don't do a great job. I keep us all fed, clothed, and more or less clean. But I don't enjoy it.

Oh, the chores themselves aren't so bad. They're no harder than many other jobs I have had. It's the endlessness of it. The way I can spend an hour washing a mountain of dishes, and by the time I'm done, we're hungry again and I have to make more dishes. The way I can never really relax because there's always something I should be doing.

And it's so easy to get resentful. It's tough, especially if you're the more outgoing spouse, to wait all day for your husband to come home so you can talk to him, only to find he's been dealing with people all day and just wants to be quiet. Or to have him come home and put his feet up after a hard day's work just at the moment that your job is getting its most stressful, what with dinner to make and bedtime to handle. Or to see everyone you know relax on a weekend, while for you it's just one more day where people need to be fed and clothed.

There are different ways to look at it. You can see it as a vocation. But then every time you need to ask for help with the dishes, you feel like a failure at your vocation.

You can see it as a job. But it's a kind of awful job with no pay except the privilege to continue doing it, plus the occasional word of gratitude. And then, every time you aren't thanked on schedule, you feel like your pay is getting docked.

You can see it as just trying to keep a tidy house because you like to live in one, and doing the lion's share because you happen to be home more. That's my main approach. But then you get angry when no one else does what you consider to be their share. And you don't feel like you should ever have to ask. No one asks you to make dinner, please - you just do it. So how come other people can walk through the kitchen, comment on the dirty dishes, and then just leave them there? You feel everyone has the responsiblity to pitch in and do an amount of housework proportionate to the amount of time they spend in the house. But, of course, they haven't got the memo and don't know what you might consider proportionate. They might not even know what needs doing, not being in the thick of it like you are.

It's a pretty powerless position. There isn't always any solution to being overwhelmed, tired, lonely, and behind on the dishes. But then, the husband can be in a bind, too, in many ways. If he has higher standards than his wife's (as mine does), and he thinks things ought to be cleaner, what can he do? He could do it himself, but he's so busy outside the home he hasn' t got the time or energy to do it all. He could nag and complain, but if she thinks she's doing her best, she's not likely to make a permanent improvement.

Either spouse is in danger of feeling jealous. The husband can complain that he never gets to spend as much time with his kids as his wife does, that he has to commute, and that he can't arrange his house to suit himself because he's never in it. The wife can reposte with her loneliness, lack of measurable accomplishments or appreciation, and inability to get out of the house or wear nice clothes. There are times when the other's job seems like a walk in the park. Meanwhile, both have to make constant financial sacrifices for life on a single income to work - and that can be a strain too.

A strong relationship can weather these struggles, but they definitely can be points of contention. Men and women have been arguing about them at least since the Industrial Revolution, and maybe since the dawn of time.

I do the housework because I want it to be done, because I want my husband to have a clean house, and because I'm the one on the spot to do it. But nothing has ever made it easy for me.