Quick takes

1

I haven't blogged in awhile.  Just .... life.  First I had this awful cold.  Then I got my birthday presents -- two kinds of wool -- so of course I couldn't blog because I was too busy spinning.  John was gone for a long weekend for his brother's wedding.  I looked up Call the Midwife online and discovered I had only five days to watch all eight episodes, so that took up all my evenings for a bit.  And then I stepped on a bee in my yard, and my foot swelled up and itched so that I couldn't do much of anything but try to stay off it.

2

Which, of course, the kids had no intention of letting me do.  If ever I feel like my average day is a lazy walk in the park and I just sit on my butt all day reading blogs, all I have to do is try a day when I actually try to sit down all day.  Things go to heck unbelievably fast, so I know I must be pretty busy on an average day.  Sure, I do sit around a lot.... in five-minute chunks, maybe.  But there's always someone needing something, and I jump up and down a lot.

Likewise, I don't really feel like I do much housework on the average day, but apparently I do .... because if I skip a day the house looks like a bomb went off and we have nothing to eat, wear, or eat off of.  I guess it's like college.  I always told people I didn't study much, and it didn't feel like I did, but somehow I never had time for other things so I must have been studying.  It's just that when something becomes a habit, you don't really take much notice of it.

What really makes me realize how far I've come is when I think of what used to pass as "acceptable" to me as far as housework goes, and now I do a great deal more, despite having more kids to distract me and more messes made.  I guess I just haven't noticed the progress I've made very much.  I am not at all "type-A" or "driven" or "organized," but you get into a rhythm and after awhile people start saying "how do you do it all?" or "you're a supermom!" and I realize I probably would have intimidated my new-mom self.

3

Right, so I had a birthday.  I'm 28 now, which kind of boggles the mind, but you know what?  The time has not actually flown by.  I do feel this old.  I think of myself at 18, and I hardly remember what that was like.

I was 18 when I met John, so I asked him if I'd changed much.  He said "a lot."  Apparently his impression of me at the time was that I didn't have very many opinions.  Well, I wasn't as opinionated as I am now, but I think a lot of that is that I was very shy about my opinions.  I was afraid of getting into a debate and getting argued down.  So I politely listened to him talk about the Latin Mass or the Civil War and disagreed with him absolutely, but I just smiled and nodded and asked questions like, "But if the South had won, who would have won World War I?"

I also was just beginning to be okay with emotions again, which meant that I was happy almost all the time, but absolutely prostrate with misery when I wasn't.  I didn't have a lot of emotional reserves.  I seemed shallow, but a lot of that was being very private.  I didn't want to talk about any of the things I felt deeply about (God, Regnum Christi, babies, the fantasy novels I was writing) so I kind of floated on the surface with everyone.  I didn't know how to make real friends, so I stuck with making the acquaintance of everyone.  People liked me, but I was in everyone's outer circle.

I'm really happy about how far I've come.  I have a lot more confidence, more courage, more strength.  I don't mind being opinionated, and I'm not afraid of getting into a debate about it.  My feelings are much harder to hurt, and if they are hurt, that doesn't stop me from keeping on with life.

It's hard to say how much of this is John's confidence rubbing off on me, how much is the strength you get from having kids, how much is from finally dealing with the trauma of Regnum Christi, and how much is just growing up.  But overall I'm pleased with the way I am at 28.

And, yeah, life is pretty good this year.

4

Have you ever had a bee sting on the bottom of your foot?  It happens to me at least once per year, because I'm an idiot.  I know perfectly well that walking barefoot through the clover is a dumb thing to do, but putting shoes on is such a hassle, so there you are.

Anyway, it never hurts that much at the time, but by the next day the itch is so extreme it's all I can think about.  All I want is to scratch it, but if I do the itch gets a million times worse, until I'm scratching at it madly and can't seem to stop.  I've tried all the treatments: baking soda, toothpaste, witch hazel, lavender oil, lidocaine spray, benadryl.  The benadryl at least lets me sleep at night, and thank goodness I'm not cosleeping these days so I could take it this time.  Nothing else does a lick of good that I can detect.

And, of course, it's not just scratching it that makes the itch a zillion times worse .... walking on it does just the same thing.  Feels nice at the time, especially when I'm walking on grass or carpet, because it scratches the itch, but the second I stop walking, the itch takes over and I'm involuntarily rubbing my foot on the ground to scratch that itch.  I can't seem to resist the impulse, even though I know it'll make it so much worse!  Shoes are just misery, because they touch the itch at every moment and shift around scratching it.

Well, two days later I could walk again without problems, but boy was it unpleasant at the time!

5

I got the kids a wading pool this past weekend.  It was only $10, and I've been wanting one to get us through some of the intense hot weather we're having.

What didn't occur to me was that now outside time is RUINED.  It used to be that the kids could sometimes play outside unattended because they knew the rules and followed them.  But they cannot be outside with a wading pool and not get in the pool.  And I don't want them to be in the pool unless I'm out there watching them.  So ..... no more kicking them out into the yard while I sweep the living room.

Also, we now have a "shoes in the yard" policy (on account of the bees), so they are doing their unauthorized climbing into the pool not just fully dressed, but with shoes on too.  Sigh.  I dumped it out today so we could get a break from it, but if the heat wave comes back I suppose I will fill it up and deal with the consequences.

6

So, Iraq is in bad shape, right?  I asked a friend of mine who lives there (well, in Kurdistan, luckily, which is quite stable and safe) what was going on, and she told me she can't understand why it's suddenly all over the American media -- the problems have been going on for six months, she said.  Her guess was that people are pushing Iraq to the front of the news because they are trying to sway public opinion to get us back there, which is as likely as anything.  Certainly I'm seeing more and more people suggest we should at least "do something."

I hate the American urge to "do something."  When the "something" involves military action, what we're saying is, "let's drop some bombs on them to show we care."  That won't cut it for me.  Just war theory requires a number of conditions before we can get involved, and one of those is a reasonable likelihood of success.

Does anyone think we have a reasonable likelihood of making Iraq peaceful in any permanent sense, especially with "just a few airstrikes"?  Our choices are either permanent occupation, or letting the place fall apart again as soon as we inevitably leave again.  If TEN YEARS couldn't do it, what will?

And that's setting aside the fact that Iraq's "legitimate" government under Maliki is hardly free, equal, or democratic, or that it happens to be allied with Iran.  This is Syria all over again -- there are no good guys.  There are bad guys and other bad guys.  If we give assistance against one batch, we are giving assistance to another batch.

No.  I can't support going back there.

Of course, it doesn't matter much what I think.  Obama still has the authorization to use military force which Congress gave Bush in 2002 and never revoked.  So he can waltz in there whenever he likes, and for once it would be perfectly legal for him to do it.

I hate helplessly watching while my government goes and kills people on my behalf.  And then I am expected to be grateful for it.

7

The garden is just ridiculous now.  We've reached the "jungle" phase of Virginia summer -- steamy heat interspersed with massive thunderstorms and pouring rain.  The plants LOVE it.  My biggest issues are keeping the tomatoes staked and the green beans from wandering everywhere.  The weeds have pretty much established themselves now; I try, but yikes that wire grass is awful.  Cuts up my hands when I try to pull it out, too.

Every single thing I planted has actually grown -- first time that has ever happened.  Usually there's at least one failure, but this time I had a bonus -- a pumpkin vine I didn't even plant growing out of my compost pile and right up the side porch.  Also quite a bit of dill self-seeded itself.  I had quite a bit of spinach before it bolted, more lettuce than I could eat which is now beginning to bolt, a few sugar snap peas to pick almost every day, and scads of chard which will keep producing all summer.  The other day I pulled half a dozen big beets (and oh dear, what a lot of greens came with them) and picked a couple cherry tomatoes.  The tomato plants are covered with flowers and green tomatoes, so the real harvest should be along soon.  The cucumbers, which were late in the ground and slow to get going, have flowers on them.  I picked one early broccoli floret and the cabbages are getting heads.

There is nothing more fun than heading out into the garden at 5 pm and going "shopping" for ingredients for dinner.  And then eating them before they've had a chance to notice they were picked!

I just need more recipes for chard.  I discovered you can make chips out of them, like you do with kale chips, and we like those, but I could still use some more ideas.  We had some in lasagna last night, and some in galettes for breakfast, and if the stuff lives up to its reputation, we'll be eating it for months to come.

Also, does anyone know a trick to keep things fresh in the fridge?  Lettuce especially .... I don't know if I've gotten spoiled, but a few hours in the fridge and it is just not the same.  It's limp and barely worth eating, and I don't know anything to do with wilted lettuce besides compost it.

How has your week been?

More quick takes at Team Whitaker this time, because Jennifer Fulwiler's on break.

Book review: Parenting beyond pink and blue

Subtitled How to raise your kids free of gender stereotypes, by Christia Spears Brown, PhD

This book caught my eye at the library and I snapped it up.  (Along with 12 other books ... I can read them all in two weeks, right?)  I am very interested in this topic, because I am constantly hearing "what boys are like" and my boys just aren't like that, especially Marko.  I worry a lot about people trying to make him feel bad for being sensitive and shy.

Well, it's a fascinating read.  First the author goes into the many, many places where gender stereotypes affect children.  It isn't just the obvious stuff, like people who tell your kids "girls don't like trucks" or who give them only gendered toys.  She explains that simply our constant use of the words "boy" and "girl" give kids the impression that our gender is the most important thing about us, and the way that teachers and parents segregate kids into groups of boys and girls emphasizes this.  The adults don't have to tell the kids what the girls or boys are supposed to be like -- children make up rules about what girls and boys are like on the slightest evidence!  It's part of our innate drive to categorize.  So children would say "boys are noisy" but also "girls like broccoli."  If they knew one girl who liked broccoli and one boy who didn't, it must be a gender trait.

I remember doing this as a kid!  I announced to my mother once that a certain girl I knew "didn't look like a boy."  I thought she must be a boy anyway because she had brown hair, and in our family the boy has brown hair and the girl has blond hair.  Two data points, and I had made a rule!  The book describes several studies where kids did the same, listing toys as "only for girls" or "only for boys" based on having seen one boy or girl playing with them, or based on the color of the box.  By kindergarten age, boys refused to play with anything they thought was associated with girls, and vice versa.  Boys and girls strove to fit in to their appropriate stereotypes as part of their natural social instincts.  And groups of boys and girls become more adamantly fixed in their gender stereotypes the more they play together.

We humans all love to categorize things, and once we've put something into a category, we're reluctant to change our opinion of it -- even if the evidence is against us.  The author tells of all kinds of studies where both adults and children focused in on information that confirmed stereotypes while ignoring or forgetting information that didn't.  That explains how people look at Marko running and say "What a typical boy!" and don't notice a thing when he then sits down singing to himself for the next hour.  It's confirmation bias; people notice what they expected to find and sift out other information.
The author also discusses unconscious ways adults make assumptions about their children and treat them differently.  For instance, parents talk about numbers three times as much with boy toddlers as with girls, and not nearly as much about feelings.  Boys have fewer words addressed to them altogether.  Even newborns get held differently -- based not on their actual gender, but based on what gender the adult test subject was told the newborn was!

With all that, it's clear that a great number of gender differences are socialized -- even those that begin at pretty young ages.  But the book goes on to talk about which gender differences do and do not actually exist in children.  Some do appear to exist, though we can't be certain that they are innate.  However, a lot more supposed differences don't actually hold up in a statistical study.  78% of those studied showed no difference at all.  And even those that do show a difference, show a relatively small effect size.  What this means is that even if the average boy is more aggressive than the average girl, it's only by a tiny bit.  The average boy might be more aggressive than 50 out of 100 boys .... and more aggressive than 52 out of 100 girls.  But in your average grade-school class, odds are good that the boys and girls you have fall along a bell curve from most to least aggressive, and that you wouldn't see more boys on the top of the scale than the bottom unless you had a very large class.

Now adults are different, both because they have had more years of socialization and because they have more sex hormones going through their bodies.  Children, I was surprised to learn, don't actually have much difference between their hormones.  There are surges in sex hormones at certain developmental stages (particularly prenatally), but on an average day, a boy and a girl have roughly equal levels of testosterone and other hormones.  I didn't know that!

Many of the "differences" we hear about are not really proven at all.  For instance, we all "know" that women have a larger corpus callosum, right?  And that is supposed to mean we are better at multitasking.  That study was published in the early 80's and everyone believes it -- but in fact, the study size was tiny (13 people) and no one has ever been able to replicate it.  Subsequent studies showed that men and women had corpus callosums that were the same size.  Neurologists still can't tell a male from a female brain on a scan of any kind.  And the famous "men are better at math" thing?  Not true at all!  Men usually think they are good at math while women are more likely to think they are bad at it, but they tend to score about the same.

But why does any of it matter?  Why shouldn't children sort themselves into groups?  Well, because humans are incredibly adaptable.  We are born with millions of connections in our brains.  The ones we don't use, wither and disappear.  So if a child grows up encouraged only to play certain games and do certain things, those skills and hobbies they don't use will become more difficult for them -- even if they were born with aptitude for those things!  So a girl who is always steered away from sports, or who just never plays because her girl friends don't want to and the boys won't let her join in, will never have the skills at sports she might have had.  There's an opportunity to develop large motor skills and physical fitness, gone.  For boys (in my opinion) it's even worse: their stereotypes include being rebellious, not into "school stuff," and bad at sitting still .... so their desire to conform to what is expected of them ends up crippling them at school achievement, and therefore limits their future job prospects.  Worse still, being discouraged from showing emotion and talking about feelings will cripple their ability to form healthy relationships for a lifetime.

Still, it's hard to know what to do with all this information.  The author warns that you only have your kids till they start preschool, and then they'll be picking up any number of influences from other kids and teachers.  When kids run in big groups, like at school, it's easier for them to self-segregate and then reinforce gender stereotypes among each other.  Girls who liked trucks and baseball will find themselves among a group of girls who all like pink and princesses -- or who have all decided that that's what they like -- and that will affect them no matter what you do.  She suggests counteracting all that with your own influence, reminding them that they should do what they like and that the stereotypes they repeat are false, but she also says you can't fight it altogether. 

It certainly makes me happy not to have any plan to send my kids to school.  I was raised without a whole lot of gender stereotypes.  Sure, I knew what other girls were into, but I played with anyone I could find, and I wasn't picky about what games we played.  My mom says, though, that my brother and I played together a lot more before we went to public school.  Once we went to school, my brother started saying things like "I don't play with girls, girls are silly" and I was much too concerned with trying to set up a playdate with a friend from school to spend as much time with my brother as I used to.  Maybe my kids' limited social life is a blessing -- they never pick friends based on gender.  (I wish they had a few more friends altogether, but that's not something I can fix right now.)

And I can see that in some ways it's a blessing that I've had two boys.  I never could compare them by gender; I've had to look at them as individuals and see their differences as what they are -- unique.  If Michael had been a girl, I would have said, "That's why she's so affectionate."  And if Marko had been a girl, I would have said, "That's why she's so emotional."  As it is, I realize they are just themselves.  And if this new baby is a girl, I am likely to find that she is no more different from the other two than they are from each other.

A couple of caveats about the book.  Despite a great deal of the book being dedicated to school, ADHD is never mentioned and autism is only mentioned once.  I'd love to hear her reasoning as to why these two disorders are so overwhelmingly more common among boys.  Would she suggest that they are overdiagnosed in boys and underdiagnosed in girls because we see in each gender what we expect to see?  Or would she agree that they are more common in boys and in that case might be underdiagnosed due to our assumption that it's normal for boys to be incapable of sitting still or late to learn to talk?

The other issue I have is how adamantly opposed she is to single-sex schooling.  I agree, after her arguments, that boys and girls don't need different teaching methods.  Individual kids do, but learning types aren't split along gender lines.  However, she also assumes that single-sex schools will tend to emphasize gender differences, just as happens in crowds of boys and girls on the same schoolyard, and I just don't think that's true.  My brother and I both went to single-sex high schools, and both of us flourished academically.  (If I didn't flourish in other ways, it wasn't due to the lack of boys!)  And my experience, like the experience of many others who went to single-sex schools, is that it's an environment which makes you not think about gender.  It just isn't something that comes up.  In high school, when kids are increasingly locked into gender roles and at the same time very distracted with the opposite sex, it is very nice to find a place where gender is a non-issue.  Everyone's a girl anyway.  So we weren't trying to impress the boys (far too many girls try to look dumb to impress boys) or to distinguish ourselves from them.  Some of us were sporty, some were intellectual, some were kind of ditzy, but no one had that over-blown girlyness that some high school girls have.

I think the best set-up any kid can have is a small, multi-age, co-ed group of a couple familiar families.  Since it's small, there's no separating into boys vs. girls, or big kids vs. little kids -- at least not all the time.  But if you're going to put kids in school, for high school at least, I think single-sex is very likely better.

Anyway, I would definitely recommend Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue, either if you already want to raise your kids without gender stereotypes, or if you're not convinced that gender stereotypes are a bad thing.  The author does an excellent job referencing scientific studies, developmental science, etc.  She is also balanced -- she isn't interested in proving gender is just a construct (she admits there are differences) or in making sure kids don't pick up any stereotypes (she promises they definitely will no matter what you do).  It's more a matter of trying not to let those stereotypes limit your children's interests and opportunities.  And I'm all for that.

Seven quick prog rock tracks

Recently I confessed that I never share my favorite music with people.  I have such unusual taste, especially for someone my age, that I always assume people will think I'm weird.  But it's time to be brave and throw out a few of my favorites.  All progressive rock this time, which is what I grew up with.

1

I have tried and tried, but I can't pin down my favorite band.  Sometimes I feel like The Moody Blues, and sometimes I feel like Rush.  It's certainly one of those two.

Rush is a Canadian band, flourishing late 70's to present (they are still touring and making new music) which is characterized by amazing lyrics.  Yeah, the music is awesome too; I love their sound, but the lyrics (all written by the drummer, Neil Peart) are incredibly poetic and insightful.

This song is, according to my interpretation, about being highly sensitive ("all my nerves are naked wires, tender to the touch").  At any rate, when I hear the song I know exactly what he is talking about -- and yet, if you don't know what he's talking about, it's almost impossible to describe.  Have you ever been doing something unrelated and then had a memory so vivid, it's like you were reliving a moment from a long time ago?  It comes with not just the images, but all the same emotions of that other time.

Oh, shoot, I told you I can't describe it.  If the song doesn't hit a nerve, it's probably something that's never happened to you!

2

This is just about the saddest song I know.  I sang it over and over as a kid just to make myself sad.

Through autumn's golden gown we used to kick our way,
You always loved this time of year.
Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now,
'Cause you're not here.

Gah.  Still works.  Sniff.


(Ugh, YouTube/Blogger are teaming up to be an enormous pill and not letting me embed it; you have to go to YouTube to watch it. Forever Autumn, by Asia.)
3

The Alan Parson's Project's first album was based off the works of Edgar Alan Poe.  This kind of tells you something about prog rock and the subjects it likes to treat.  Romance?  Maybe once in awhile.  Literature?  Absolutely.  Also philosophy and politics, when it suits them.

This song is creepy as heck, but that's not why I like it.  I like the intertwining vocals and the synthesizers.



4

Another Alan Parsons one.  I said once that this song was about religion, and my dad said "No, it's about faith."  But I still think I was right -- religion, defined (as it was by my religion teacher) as the attitudes of a person seeking relationship with God -- is exactly what this song is about.

And those who came at first to scoff remained behind to pray.



5

Another lovesick one.  My brother and I used to rewind this one over and over, just because the first ten seconds are so awesome.  For best results, set the volume to max.


6

Rush again.  This song was my anthem the summer before I left for college: "When I leave I don't know what I'm hoping to find, and when I leave I don't know what I'm leaving behind."




7

Oh, fine, more Rush. It's okay to admit they're my current favorite. I'd give you some Yes, but we all know you're not going to listen to a 25-minute track just on my say-so. (Tales From Topographic Oceans is my favorite.) The video is pretty dated, but I really like it anyway. It doesn't come with lyrics, so if you can't make them out (Rush lends itself to misheard lyrics) you can read the lyrics here because they are awesome per usual.


More quick takes at Conversion Diary.

7 qt: the 12-day week

1

I forgot quick takes last week, because I forgot it was Friday.  And the reason I forgot it was Friday is because it wasn't really a Friday for me .... John worked the whole weekend through.  So, we are now wrapping up 12 straight days of work for him, including two days where he worked late!

It's what he had to do to save up some time off for his brother's wedding.  It's the only downside of his new job -- he doesn't have all the time off he saved up for it at his last job.  We were going to take a whole week and drive out there together.  Now, he's working ahead to earn a few days, and he's going to have to fly to make it there and back in time.  And that means it'll be just him, because we can't afford to fly us all.

2

I'm disappointed because I love visiting John's family, I like weddings, and the kids love being doted on by their many aunties.  But on the other hand, not having to drive 20 hours and stay in hotels with kids is kind of a plus.

The other downside is that John won't be here for my birthday.  I'm thinking of having a party for myself.  I know it's not the thing, but I would love to invite some girls over and eat cake.  I have learned my lesson from the last two birthdays and am NOT making a cake for just our family.  That always ends in too much cake eating for me.  I wish I had more willpower where cake is concerned.

3

For the past couple months, I've had this weird rash on the inside edges of a couple of my fingers.  It's just a few teeny tiny bumps, which turned out to be blisters.  I stopped wearing my rings, but that made no difference.  Recently it started spreading, itching, and getting much worse.  In fact, it reminded me of how my hands used to get all swollen and blistered from time to time when I was a kid.  That was utter misery.  The first time I could trace it to some hand lotion, but other times I couldn't figure out why just my hands had this rash when there hadn't been anything I'd put on my hands and not the rest of me.  The swelling and itching was the worst; I could barely bend my fingers and had to take benadryl to sleep at night.  I got a prescription cream from the doctor that didn't help.  It was only when my grandma put some witch hazel on my hands that the swelling and itching started to get better.

Well, it occurred to me that now I have the internet, like I didn't back then, and I looked it up.  Turns out it's called dyshidrotic eczema, or pompholyx.  (I can't decide which is more fun to say!)  Now, that's about all the useful information I discovered, because it can be caused by almost anything and there's no real cure.  I did find that it can be caused by an allergic reaction anywhere in the body -- even hay fever -- even though the blisters are only on the hands or feet.  I found that some people have it all the time, and felt quite thankful to have such a mild case.  And it did mention witch hazel, which I started putting on.

Sure enough, it cleared up in a few days.  And thank goodness, because those blisters were itchy and painful!  To say nothing of how miserable it was to do the dishes.

4

We have had alternating very hot, sunny weather and pouring rain.  I remember now this always happens this time of year.  That's when the garden shoots up while I'm not paying attention, and the weeds gain ground because it's either too hot to do anything or too pouring to be outside.  I'm trying to keep up on it better this time.  My tomato plants have BUDS on them, squeeee!  And the sweet potato plants are looking great, despite the fact that Michael yanked them up the day after I planted them and I had to stick them back in.  I've picked little bits of spinach and lettuce, and should be pulling radishes soon.  Amazing!

5

I have suddenly passed from the "occasional wiggles" stage of baby kicking and gotten (quite without warning, because I'm not even that big yet) to the "protruding limbs" stage.  A foot or elbow pokes out and has to be poked back in, only to reappear somewhere else.  It's crazy weird.  But kind of cool too ... makes me remember that there actually is somebody in there.

6

Oh, it's been so long since I've posted, I have all sorts of good news!

Good news #1: Michael is night weaned.  I used this method, more or less.  The advantage of it is that you are training your child to go to sleep in his bed rather than just substituting the nursing crutch for some other crutch, like rocking.  I was terrified to do it because Marko woke up exactly the same amount after he was weaned, but it took an hour to get him back to sleep instead of five minutes.  But Michael, after a few nights of whining "I want to nur-us, I want to nur-us," over and over again, started sleeping better than he had before.  It helped when I told him he could nurse when morning came, and if he was very fussy I whispered in his ear for awhile, just random comforting things, to get him to stop whining long enough to go to sleep.  Once we had phased nursing out altogether, he started going to sleep in five minutes just by me lying down with him, without having to nurse.  (Considering that he used to sometimes be up for half an hour nursing and kicking me, this is a huge improvement.)  And then he started .... WAKING LESS!  He usually gives me about six hours, sometimes even EIGHT, without waking at all.  Sometimes I hear him stir and put himself back to sleep.  It's nothing less than a miracle to me.

At five or so, when the light is shining in the window, I let him get in bed with me and nurse if he wants to.  Though I am thinking about phasing that out too, considering I don't actually want to get up for the day at five.  It's just that I'm afraid that with the light and the birds singing, he might not go back to sleep at all if I don't nurse him.  Even with nursing, he woke up at 4:45 this morning and never went back to sleep.  Ugh.  But he has a cold, so that's his excuse, I guess.

This has led to the conclusion that my depression and irritability is mostly just exhaustion, because the week we were working on night weaning, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE, and now I feel like a new person.  I am frequently even patient with the kids!

7

Good news #2: Marko has finally had about enough clinginess, which is likewise delightful.  I have been able to talk him into going into his room by himself to listen to music and play with legoes for an hour or two most days.  It's delightful for him, because he's an introvert and his clinginess was keeping him from getting any quiet time.  And it's delightful for me, because I get a BREAK!  I can lavish as much attention as I want on Michael without him getting jealous, and sometimes I can even have no one needing me at all!

Michael, though, hates it.  He's always asking if Marko is done yet or if he can go into the bedroom.  Reminds me of me .... my brother always wanted to be alone, and I always wanted company.  For the first time, I'm thinking maybe it's good for them all to have a third kid in the family.  That way Marko can seek solitude if he wants it and the other two can entertain each other.

Sure enough, Michael likes the idea of another baby, whereas Marko will scream his head off if it's mentioned.  This puts kind of a damper on midwife appointments.  He does like the midwife, though.  He and Michael play midwife as soon as she's gone.

Well, that's about it for the week.  How was yours?

More quick takes at Conversion Diary as always.

7 quick takes

1

Last night I went to a political dinner.  Everything that is NOT up my alley: leave kids with babysitter, get dressed up, wear makeup, meet strangers, talk politics with people I might not already agree with.

However, I ended up having a pretty good time.  For every man who wanted to talk strategy and speechwriting, there usually was a very nice wife who could talk about other things.  (Shak Hill's wife was very nice, and so were Mark Berg's and Mike Webert's wives and several not famous but very pleasant other ladies.)  So it wasn't all one topic for three hours.  I sometimes think I get along better with men because they are so direct, but in all honesty, if it's a room full of total strangers, I prefer talking to women.  They are always looking for common ground with you and not looking to argue.  I appreciate that.

2

The reason I went to this, the reason it was a Big Huge Deal, was because John was officially announcing his candidacy.  Which means I can now tell you: he is running for our local town council.

3

Everyone's main question to me was some variation on, "How did he convince you to agree to it?"  I guess many of these political men are held back from running because their wives won't agree to it.  You really can't run for office without your spouse's support -- it's too demanding and a candidate's spouse can't really stay out of the limelight, much as they might prefer to.

My answer was always some variation of, "Well, I wasn't keen on it, but then I thought, I'd like a nice town to live in and somebody's gotta do the work!"

I have been discouraging John from getting too involved in politics for a long time.  I have my doubts as to its effectiveness in actually changing anything, because both getting elected and passing anything once you get there involves so much compromise that your own values are pretty much unrecognizable in the final product.  And corruption is so rampant that an honest man never seems to go far.

But John believes change is possible, and if he's wrong there's no hope for this country.  I'd rather believe his optimism than my pessimism.  If there's a chance he's right, I have to let him try.

Anyway, on the local level one person can make a lot more of a difference.  There are small things, non-partisan things like money mismanagement and taxes and electric bills, that really just need a smart, principled person who knows how to negotiate with the other members of the council and the other levels of government.  That's something I know John can do.

Already the campaign takes him away from home on evenings and weekends much more than I'd like.  But that sacrificing is my way of giving back.  I do little enough for anyone else in the world, the least I can do is free up John to do something for our town.

And that's the long answer.

4

The kids were NOT good for the babysitter.  Apparently Michael could fall asleep, but not stay asleep to get put in his bed.  And that ruckus kept Marko up.  It sounded awful and the poor woman earned her money for sure.

BUT, after that Michael slept pretty well!  He woke up at about one a.m. because he'd rolled out of bed, but he fell asleep in my arms on the way back to our room.  So I rocked him a bit and laid him down on his bed in our room.  He woke up another time and just fell back to sleep with some shushing and patting and putting his blanket back on.  And then at five or so he crawled into bed and I just went ahead and nursed him.  Birds were singing, I figured it wasn't "night" anymore but "morning lie-in."

So, a night with no nursing! WIN!

5

Marko, though, woke up a little after five and didn't go back to sleep.  And that's after going to sleep at nine.  I foresee today will be a bit cranky.  However, it is gorgeous today, the rain of earlier in the week is quite gone, so I think we will go to the park.

6

My tomato plants all turned a little yellow after being transplanted, so I gave them some nitrogen.  (Let's not talk about where I get the nitrogen.  It's organic though.)  Then they turned purple!  Purple on the undersides of the leaves and on all the new growth.  A little googling told me that tomatoes can't uptake phosphorus very well when it's too cold ..... i.e. yes, my overeagerness to plant them is hurting them after all, despite the lack of frost.  Oh well.  I'll cover them up at night with milk cartons and see if that helps.  Anyone know any convenient sources of phosphorus that I might have around the house?

7

Um ..... let's just leave you with a poem about May.  I memorized this in boarding school for Mother's Day.  I was given 24 hours to learn the whole thing, and I actually did, but as I recollect my delivery was atrocious.  However, you can rap it.  Try it.

May is Mary's month, and I
Muse on that, and wonder why.
Her feasts follow reason,
Dated due to season.

Read the rest here.

More quick takes are here.

7qt: Needy kids suck

... the life out of me, that is!

1

I don't know what's gotten into my kids the past few weeks.  It started with Marko refusing to ever be alone, even in the bathroom.  Then he started waking at night again, and screaming bloody murder at the notion of not having an adult sit with him for a good hour while he gets back to sleep.  Then he wanted to be in my lap for hours if he could get away with it.

Of course Michael's response to this was to get clingy too.  So it seems I always have one child in my lap and one climbing up the side of my chair crying and demanding "uppie." 

Needless to say, this kinda drains my batteries.  I end up standing up and saying I am done with lap time for everyone.  Then I wash dishes while they pull my pants down around my ankles in their attempt to climb up my legs, crying all the time.

2

My best guess as to the cause is that they are sensing that I don't have a lot to give, and so they're jockeying to make sure they drain out every drop available.  Kind of like with nursing -- as the milk dries up, Michael spends more time nursing to get what he can.  But with emotional energy, it's counterproductive.  I feel I would have plenty to give if only they gave me a few more breaks!

Why don't I have a lot to give?  I blame pregnancy.  It does make me depressed and irritable.  Michael's sleep hasn't been too terrible lately, but he's always up at least twice.  Occasionally he won't go back to sleep again so we have a truly dreadful night once a week or so.  When I have some good nights in a row, the mood lightens around here considerably.

Of course their neediness spurs a great deal of fear that they will still be like this when the baby gets here, so I will have THREE of them hanging on me crying.  I'm trying not to let my mind go there, but of course it does.  I do remember that Marko was this needy when I was pregnant with Michael, and it didn't last once Michael was born.  However, six months later or so he had a truly awful phase for months, so ..... not sure what that means for us.

Another contributing factor is that John has been super busy with work and politics.  But there really isn't any helping those.  We are really careful when accepting new obligations, but there are some really important ones we've already committed to.  And anyway the only thing that would make Marko happy would be for John to quit his job and snuggle him fulltime.  He has an epic meltdown, still, every morning when John leaves for work.

3

I also think that the two boys have reached a tough stage in their relationship.  Michael is no longer willing to accept the toys he's given and play Marko's way.  He grabs, a lot.  He takes toys that Marko didn't want to share.  (My rule is that, aside from a few really crucial things like sippy cups and new birthday toys, if you weren't playing with it, your brother can.  But Marko feels that everything is his and should not ever be shared.)  And if Marko tries to "get back" a toy he thinks is his, Michael bites him hard.  So I spend a lot of time, when I am not holding one or the other of them (and even when I am, because they fight on my lap too), trying to stop them from escalating their conflicts.

But it's hard, because I am not sure how much good it does to say "don't grab your brother, don't snatch his toy, don't push" while grabbing one who is about to hit, snatching a toy to restore it to the one who had it first, and pushing off someone who is climbing up the side of my chair.  Yet I don't know how I can avoid these actions and still prevent everyone from getting hurt!

I'm trying to just put lots in the "love bank" of each kid by snuggling them every moment I can.  But it's driving me nuts, first because it truly feels like they are sucking the life out of me just by touching me, second because they won't be still EVER, and third because it's a rare moment that I can have just one kid touching me.  It turns out that having two people touching me at once is my personal hell.  It is hard to explain what's so awful about it, but it is.

And then when I finally do get everyone happy, they go back to playing with each other and two seconds later they are both screaming, there's a bite mark on Marko, and Michael is flat on the ground.  I can't so much as pee without war breaking out.

4

Someone gave me the advice yesterday to just "lower my standards" on the housework.  First, my standards aren't really capable of much lowering --- I'm pretty relaxed.  And at this point, doing housework is a special treat.  I never thought I'd say that!  But doing something that isn't holding anybody, plus getting some of the overstimulating mess out of my environment, is something I do for myself.

I was in a conversation recently online about the needs of Catholic mothers.  We're all kind of overstretched and overwhelmed.  Some people said that single women and older women should be pitching in more.  Some said we need to work harder to build community to help each other out more.  Some said all they really wanted was someone to talk to.

And I thought ... I don't have it in me to do one more thing, not even if that one more thing was making a friend.  I usually talk to someone at least once a week, and that's overstimulating enough -- considering we are always, always interrupted every five minutes.  I had to cut short a phone call with my mom and one with a dear friend this week, because trying to pay attention to both the call and the kids was making me want to scream.

5

I guess the one thing that would really help would be a 30-hour work week for John.  Because I feel that all mothers do nowadays, the stress and the overwork, is all just trying to compensate for the absence of fathers ..... fathers who do every single thing they can, but who are dragged away from the home ten hours a day (if you count commutes and mandatory lunch breaks), five days a week, and given back to it with no energy left.

Decades ago, people predicted that we would be working thirty hours a week by now, because technology would have increased productivity to the point that we could fulfill everyone's needs with only that much work.  And the fact is, we could.  Productivity per workers has increased beyond even what was predicted.  The trouble is, the fruits of those labors belong to a few.  The rest of us have to deal with the other kind of 30-hour workweek ..... that is, underemployment.  Did no one predict that less need for work would result in less availability of work for the worker?  And does anyone have a solution yet?  At my more pessimistic moments, I can't help but wonder if the increasing wealth inequality in this country is just a result of increasing technology, not solvable even by the best political management.

I want my farm.

6

Speaking of farms, here's a happy garden update!  I put my tomato plants in on Saturday.  We've had some cool nights since then, but I put upside-down buckets over them and they did fine.  And the upcoming ten days are all warm, with warm nights, and quite a bit of rain.  GREAT!  I think I will go to the garden store this weekend and get some bell pepper plants, because this weather should be fine for them.  (I can't grow peppers in my house to save my life.)  I also need cucumber seeds, because I forgot that I ran out of them last year.  But all the other seeds are planted: beans, okra (never done this before, we'll see how it goes), watermelon. 

I am trying to sprout a sweet potato to get slips -- curious how that will turn out.  I am told sweet potatoes grow here with little effort and great yields.  All I know is, I have the space and I am not growing squash this year to flummox the bugs, so why not sweet potatoes?  I love sweet potato fries, especially with spicy homemade mayo.

Right now it is pouring down rain.  I love the way Virginia does rain.  It comes down so hard, and then the next day it's gorgeous again.  It makes me happy thinking of all the seeds I planted today (cilantro, oregano, basil, parsley, dill, more lettuce, more beans) getting nicely watered in.

7

We got a new car the other day.  Two years or so ago, we traded in our 2003 GMC Safari for a 2002 Ford Taurus, to save on gas.  It did use less gas, but in every other way it turned out to be a trade-down.  The Taurus had a lot wrong with it, and by the time we decided to get rid of it, it had a number of electrical problems.  Sometimes the transmission didn't shift right.  Once the electric went out entirely while John was barreling down the freeway -- power steering, power brakes, lights, everything.  We're not picky about cars, but our general rule is if we're scared to drive it, it might be time for a new one.

So we got a 2012 Dodge Caravan.  Seven seats, good condition, not a whole lot of miles.  Our goal was to get the newest car we could afford, so that it could last us awhile this time.  So it's nothing fancy, but it stands a chance of outliving the loan we have on it.  I hate getting into more debt, but a car that can pass its inspection every year is an investment, and I'm grateful we can at last afford to have it.

We thought of keeping the old car so I could drive around and get errands done while John is at work, but the dealership offered us $600 for it (a good deal more than it was worth, in my opinion) and so we traded it in.  That's for the best, because we no longer have to pay insurance or repairs on the old car.  Thank goodness I am a recluse anyway -- I rarely wish for a second car.  Getting out on the weekends suits me fine, and anyway there is a bus in town.

How has everyone's week been?

How to garden in Virginia

Every climate is different.  I even have different results here, in my low-lying garden on a ridge, than a friend might have across town.  So when people from far away ask me "How do I garden?" I feel a little at a loss.  I'd rather have them ask their neighbors, or a local blog.  My next-door neighbor and I consult about when to plant stuff, and that helps.  I also like reading blogs of other gardeners in the area .... though unfortunately most of them are like me and don't blog every detail of their gardens.

Virginia is a great place to garden because of our long growing season and abundant rain.  I rarely have to water, but at the same time we also get plenty of sun.

It's an awful place to garden because of the soil, which is heavy and sticky -- especially gardening on a suburban lot, where the soil is just subsoil shoved into place when the house was built.  You can't work clay soil when it's wet, or you'll destroy the structure, compact it, and it will turn into brick the moment it dries.  But you also can't work it when it's dry because it's hard as a rock.  There might be one perfect day to work it -- and odds are, you're busy that day!

I deal with the soil issue by not digging in the garden at all.  In the fall I lay as much mulch as I can get -- leaves, usually, but hay or straw is fine, or grass clippings.  (If you are building a new bed, you might want to cut off the sod first.  Whether you do or not, that sod will try to come back for the next decade because that's what sod does.  Ugh.)  Manure is nice if you have it, under the mulch, to feed the microbes and worms.

In the spring, I pull back the mulch to let the soil dry out and warm up.  Clay is the slowest soil to warm up, and under mulch it stays cold and wet practically forever.  Pulling back the mulch gives me a huge thrill -- the soil is always soft and fluffy, due to worm action and frost heaving, and there are tons of worms and bugs eating up the decaying plant matter.  Who knew rot could be so exciting?

Every year is different, but in the years I've lived here, I've noticed a pattern to spring.  The dates aren't predictable, but the pattern is always the same.  First it's cold, cold, cold, with occasional warmer days that leave us all saying "maybe this is spring?"  But it isn't spring for a long time yet.  I start some broccoli inside as an act of faith.

There's usually a really warm week which gets you really excited.  That's when I get everything ready, pulling back mulch, yanking out weeds, and repairing the beds.  Then for awhile it's warmer and wet .... highs in the forties and fifties, lows in the thirties.  This isn't real spring either, because the plants know to hold back.  You do see some weeds starting to grow, though, and the grass starts to get green.  I start harvesting dandelions.

Ideally, I plant my first seeds on the last warm day before the wet spell.  That wet spell is sprouting weather!  I plant peas, lettuce, radish, spinach, beets, and chard.  Potatoes should also go in about now.  This year this time came right around the last week of March.  I wait till the whole ten-day forecast has lows above 30; that's my general rule.  Also the daffodils will have come up.

Because the soil here is so heavy, I don't actually bury the seeds -- not if the weather is damp.  At least, the lettuce just gets patted into place.  The peas get poked in and covered, but not deeply.  Carrots are the toughest, because they take so long to sprout.  I failed three years running to sprout a one!  But finally I tried this, which worked: I laid the seed on top of the soil, in a little groove I made with my rake.  Then I covered it with sand.  The sand keeps the seed from washing away and keeps it damp, but it doesn't crust over like the clay soil does.  I imagine peat moss or potting soil would do the same thing.

I transplant the broccoli a little later, but since it always grows so badly indoors, it's never really ready.  I try for maybe the second warm, damp spell of spring.  Transplants like overcast weather with light rain when they first go in.

To plant warm weather crops like tomatoes and peppers (from transplants), cucumbers, squash, beans, etc., you have to wait through several more damp spells.  You wait till the cool-weather crops come up.  You wait through one very hot week (we just finished it) where you just cannot beLIEVE it's not time.  (But it isn't, there's at least one more frost ahead.  Check the ten-day forecast; it's almost always on there.)  Then suddenly spring starts showing up in earnest -- redbud and dogwood appear; the trees all look covered with a green mist; cherry blossoms and magnolia flowers fly on the wind.  At that point we usually get another wet week.  It's amazing how it goes.  One day the trees have teeny little buds on them -- the next it's pouring rain so you don't go out -- and then as soon as you look outside again, everything has leaves!  It's an intense growing time; so easy to miss.  At Christendom it always happened over spring break, it seemed.  I'd leave on Friday with all the trees bare, and come back ten days later to find it now looked like summer.

And that's when you plant the warm stuff -- as soon as that rainy period ends and there aren't any frosts on the ten-day forecast.  (There may still be a frost yet; you just have to hope, and keep something handy to cover your transplants with like a row cover or mason jars or whatever you can find.)  Again, a day with rain predicted soon is a good choice.  You can plant seeds on a hot day and wait for the rain to activate them -- the transplants you want to do when it isn't too sunny, like when it's overcast.  Failing that, do them in the afternoon and water them well.  You don't want them to wilt in their first full day of sun.

Clay holds water so well, especially mulched, that you don't really have to water during the summer unless there's a drought.  BUT, during this first bit of spring when you've got fragile transplants and seeds, you do have to water.  Where you have seeds, you want the soil to be visibly damp.  If it isn't dark with dampness, water it (with a light spray so you don't wash away your seeds).  On some of these hot days, that might be twice a day or more!  The transplants can take a little more dryness, but not much -- there should be moisture right below the surface.

When the seeds have sprouted and the transplants have been in place about a week, you can stop worrying and let the plants grow deeper roots if they want water.  If you keep them waterlogged now, they'll never grow the kind of roots they should and they'll be fragile forever.  Especially considering the sort of wind and storm we get in the summertime, you want your plants to have deep roots so they don't get uprooted (as my tomatoes have!).  The crust that forms on the surface of the soil is now your friend -- it will stymie a lot of the weeds that try to grow.  You'll have to pull the rest, though.

Once the plants are big enough not to be lost in it, you can replace your mulch.  That will do several things: it will keep moisture in the soil in hot weather; it will keep the soil from washing away and compacting in dry weather; it will add organic matter to the soil (which, in a suburban lot, you desperately need); and it will block all but the toughest weeds from coming up.  Keep that mulch on there, and add more if you have it!  Every time I mow, I throw the clippings on the garden.

After that, there's not much to say.  If I don't get a good rainstorm every week, I call it a drought and start watering.  You want to really soak the garden when you do water, so that the water actually penetrates.  Five minutes of sprinkling ain't gonna cut it.  I move the hose from bed to bed as each starts looking really flooded and puddly.  And then if I've gone through them all and the first one's puddles have dried up, I do them again.  Even so I never seem to water as well as the rain does, so I might need to water every day or two until we get rain again.

Stake the tomatoes, because the storms will rip them right up if you don't.  You might want to hill the soil around their stems too, especially when a storm is predicted.  Your bean trellises had better be sturdy.  I've had lots of things break.

Expect the growing season to go clear through October.  Around Halloween we get the frost that kills my tomatoes.  When it's predicted, you go through and pick all the green tomatoes to ripen inside, because if you leave them out, they'll be ruined.  (Or drape the plants with old sheets -- that sometimes works!  I actually had plants survive under snow if they were mulched.)  The hardy plants will keep going right through November -- I had broccoli still alive (though not really producing) till Christmas.  One year, lettuce that was up against the house lived all winter long.  But lettuce does not survive well here in summer, even the supposedly heat-tolerant kinds.  If you have a way to shade yours, you might have better luck.

My big successes here in Virginia are tomatoes, squash, and beans.  My big failures are peas ... they like cool spring weather, which we rarely have much of before it gets hot.  I keep trying, though, because I love them.  Bugs can be a real menace some summers.  All you can do is study up on common pests and pick them off.  I've suffered from Mexican bean beetles, squash borers, squash bugs, and cabbage moths.  But it really depends on the year.  I'm hoping for a mild bug year because our winter was so cold.

Does anyone else here garden in Virginia?  For those who garden elsewhere, is it very different?