Planning for postpartum

Wet hair from my first postpartum shower ... four days after Marko was born.

I didn't really plan anything for when Marko was born. I did manage to pack a hospital bag! We had the carseat and Moses basket set up, and that was pretty much it. I went into labor, went to the hospital, and came home in a state of bewilderment. I was ready to pop the baby into his Moses basket and go to bed, only to find that he did not want to go to bed at seven or eight or nine p.m., and also that he had apparently totally forgotten how to eat. I spent all evening camped on the couch with a boppy pillow and a feeling of desperation. How was I supposed to make dinner?! I had expected to be tired and sore, but not THAT tired and sore. So when John's mother asked if it was too soon to drive down, I said "PLEASE COME NOW." By the time she (and four of my sisters-in-law) had left, I could actually walk, so it wasn't so bad. Still, I lived off Chips Ahoy and leftover casserole for about three more weeks after that.

So this time, I'm doing a lot more planning. However, I have a toddler to worry about, now, too, so I imagine a lot more planning will be required. It's quite likely that I will plan just enough to be as hopelessly lost as I was last time!

This time, I won't be having family coming right around the birth. Since my own family lives in Korea, they can't exactly fly over at a moment's notice, and I wanted to be sure I would have the baby in time for them to see it, so I asked them to come later in May. I've just heard one too many unfortunate stories of perfectly planned visits and two-week late babies, ending up in grandma having to go home while her grandchild is still on the inside. No thanks! I want very much to be relaxed about when this baby comes, not freaking out about it being too soon or late. John's family is coming, too, about a week after the due date, so we'll have some time with no family, and then help coming later in shifts.

John, however, is NOT going to be in another state this time, thank goodness, so he will be taking some time off work that first week. So it looks like I won't have too much time to fend for myself: first, John will be around; then his family; then my family. But depending on the actual day the baby is born, I might have a week or so in between where I'm on my own during the day.

The number one thing I'm trying to plan for is food. If it were just me, I could probably scrounge enough to get by on throughout the day, and just starve the rest of the time. It's what I did last time (I lost the baby weight so fast! And felt so lousy!). But there's Marko to think of. He's not going to want to wait until the end of a marathon nursing session for me to go and scrounge spoonfuls of peanut butter for him. He will want actual food, food that can be prepared quickly and food that he likes. John might be able to manage dinners (though maybe not, since he comes home at six p.m.), but for breakfast, lunch, and the many snacks Marko and I usually eat, I'm on my own.

That's what I'm stocking up on right now. I've got a lot of baked goods in the freezer waiting for me: carrot muffins, homemade hot pockets, and English muffins. I'm also planning to keep the fridge well-stocked with lunch meat, cheese, and bananas, which are Marko's favorite snack foods. For me, I'll make sure I have celery and carrots to munch on (I remember how desperately I craved raw, fresh veggies last time), and I should probably make sure to have some hummus in the freezer too. I also need to keep up on making yogurt in big batches, so I always have some at the ready. I usually make four pints at once, every week or two when I buy a gallon of milk.

There's no way I can make and store all the dinners we'll be eating in the first few weeks, but I've got a few containers of chicken soup in there now, and I hope to put up at least a lasagna or two and some tuna casserole as well. For the other days, I think John or I should be able to manage at least some very basic dinners: chicken and rice, or baked chicken with potatoes. (John is quite capable of cooking stuff like that: it's just the "fancy" stuff I make that he doesn't know how to do. But what he makes is plenty nourishing and delicious even without a fancy sauce.)

Chores -- ha! I'm going to let the place get messy. John can do some picking up here and there, and I may do some picking up here and there, but let's face it: we'll be stepping over toys much of the time. I really don't care. Dishes are the one thing that really MUST be done ... so John will have to pick up whatever I can't do.

Entertaining Marko is the big challenge. I mean, that's a lot of what I do all day. I'm trying to keep the house well stocked with library books, which are always a hit. If we spend the day sitting on the couch nursing the baby and reading books, he'll be at least relatively happy (since books are usually more of a treat for a few times a day -- he always wants more long after I'm tired of reading them) and I'll get rest. I'm also going to buy a few new toys for him at Goodwill or the dollar store which will come out once the baby's born. A new toy usually buys us one really easy day as he tinkers with it and exhausts all its possibilities. Finally, we're lifting the TV ban for awhile. I just am not sure I could make it through with no hypnotizing backup available for when they both want attention. (I spent Marko's first month of life watching documentaries on Netflix. This time, perhaps some Discovery Channel shows on Hulu. What do you know of that's a hit with toddlers and available free online?)

The hard part for me is probably going to be taking a break from my online life. It's my main social outlet, and I know I'll be lonely without it. However, I just can't imagine having time for much other than an occasional Facebook update here and there ... it may be awhile before I can get the time to blog. I may not even be able to manage many phone conversations, if they are both needy and/or hollering when I am trying to talk on the phone. So I'm very likely to be lonely on those days when I have neither John nor either of our families.

On the other hand, I actually do have friends who live in the area! Who have asked what I need! I'm not really counting "help from friends" on the list of things I'm preparing for, but I am sure if anyone does come over to help out, it will be a tremendous help. So here's my list of things I think I would like, to share with anyone who plans to stop by:

*I would really like to sit and talk to an adult. I know many people just want you to drop off dinner and leave ... but I am pretty sure I would prefer at least a short visit.

*I would like dishes done. It's going to be hard for us to get all of those. So visitors may make themselves quite at home in my kitchen, to wash a dish or two or the whole sinkful. Every dish washed will help.

*I wouldn't say no to food of any kind. Dinners are helpful, but so are snacks, baked goods, etc. I am not planning to be on any special diet, and Marko isn't on one currently either. Of course, if the new baby is fussy or rashy, I may start eliminating things, but I expect to be eating everything in sight at least for the first few weeks.

*I would like playdates for Marko. So friends with toddlers are welcome to come over and play ... especially if you are going to be doing all the "jumping up and breaking up fights" part. Not sure if I will be up to jumping anywhere. But Marko loves to have friends over and it would be a load off my mind knowing he was getting some outside interest. (Friends without toddlers can just come play with Marko themselves, of course, if they want to!)

*I would like to be told in advance when you're coming so I can let you know if that's a good time. Facebook will probably be the best way to do that.

I'm not sure how much help, realistically, my friends will be able to offer, since most of them live at some distance and all of them either have jobs or kids, but I can tell you right now, a visit from a friend would probably make my whole week, even if they didn't bring or do anything! Phone calls are nice, too, though (like I said) I'm not sure I will be able to talk long.

I'm hoping that by the time my own family leaves, I'll be ready to take on full responsibility for the house again. It took me four weeks last time to really feel strong enough and confident enough as a mom to get back into the swing of things. So my plan is as follows:

*Week 1: care for self and new baby. John does everything else. (How I do love that man.)
*Week 2: care for self, new baby, and Marko. Survive till six p.m.
*Week 3: care for self, new baby, and Marko; and prepare food as needed.
*Week 4: care for self, new baby, and Marko; prepare food; and wash dishes.
After week 4: do all my usual chores, plus take care of the new baby, of course.

The scary thing is that Marko doesn't nap, so I won't be able to "sleep when the baby sleeps." Then I remember that, once my in-laws went home last time, I never, ever slept when Marko slept. I finally started doing it when he was about five months old. That's a lot of naps I really should have taken, and didn't. And somehow I survived! And this time, with cosleeping and hopefully getting the hang of nursing lying down, I should be getting more sleep at night. As long as Marko manages to make a habit of sleeping through the night!

Moms, especially of multiple children: what did you do to get ready for those first few weeks? What do you wish you had done?

Spring fever

I love spring. Really, who doesn't? Except maybe for T.S. Eliot and people with allergies.

What do I love about it? Gee, pretty much everything. I love feeling warm again. I love being outside, getting fresh air, having the windows open. I love watching things grow. I love digging around in the dirt and planting stuff. I love seeing bugs and birds come back to the neighborhood. I love waking up with tons of energy even though I got hardly any sleep. (Seriously, by past experience, I need 1-2 fewer hours of sleep per night when the weather is warm.) The warm weather makes me want to hug my son, kiss my husband, go jogging, plant flowers.

About three weeks ago, in a hopeful mood, I planted some peas. That spell of warm weather didn't last, and they didn't come up right away. Well, during this warm spell, they came up! I have plants! Sprouting! In my garden!

This warm spell, by the way, is no joke. It hit the 80's yesterday. No freezing weather is to be seen anywhere in the 10-day forecast. So I abandoned restraint and just started planting stuff this week. On Sunday: more peas. On Monday: some iceberg lettuce I'd started inside. On Tuesday: a row each of iceberg lettuce, leaf lettuce, and spinach. Today: indoor pots of tomatoes, green peppers, and marigolds to set out after the last frost.

I am so freaking excited. I water my seedbeds obsessively. I read the backs of all my seed packets and browse through garden books. Marko's getting into it too -- mostly in the realm of playing in the dirt. He needs a bath pretty much every day.

I've said before that children are like plants. Indoors, they're a ton of trouble and you can never seem to give them everything they need. Set them outside and they suddenly start flourishing without any input from you. Marko plays inside for short spurts before coming to me, climbing into my lap, and demanding attention and entertainment. But outside, I've watched him play in the dirt for a solid hour without even looking at me. Just today, I was worried how I might get him to nap and make up some of the sleep he missed last night. Well, around noon he got tired of playing, climbed into my lap, and passed out in five minutes, just watching the birds and the bugs and listening to the droning of the bees. I hated to bring him in, so I plopped him in his stroller in the shade and he's sleeping still. Really, in this weather, there's no need to go inside much at all.

The only downside right now is my back. My pelvic girdle is in as bad shape as ever. Its recipe for success is very light exercise only. My desires include digging garden beds and taking hour-long walks and chasing a toddler around the park all day. I really overextended it yesterday so that I'm not doing "anything" today. Meaning I roamed around the yard with clippers and trimmed stuff before admitting that I really ought to be sitting down. Outside. Reading garden books.

All I can think of right now is: Two more months and it will be summer for real! (Around here at least.) And I will have this baby out! And I'll throw the baby in the sling and we'll walk and garden and go to the park and do everything I want to do! I am so, so glad I've so far had babies in the spring. Spring is such a lovely time for babies.

Considering I'm seven months pregnant and it's acting like spring, is it any wonder I'm a little bouncy and excited?

No luck at the doctor's office

So, we finally have health insurance! The midwives encouraged me to go see a doctor right away to get some bloodwork done. I also needed to find a doctor who was willing to give me the Rhogam shot after birth. (For those who don't know, this is because I have Rh- blood and my babies will all have a good chance of being positive. The Rhogam shot keeps me from forming Rh antibodies which would attack my future children. So, kind of important!) I have to receive it within 48 hours of birth, so I wanted to find a doctor well ahead of time who would be willing to have it standing by for me at his office.

The third thing I wanted to see the doctor for is a referral for my insurance. I found out recently that my insurance may actually pay some or all of the midwives' fee! Since it's a lot of money for us, I leaped at that possibility. A call to my insurance company informed me that it will be a little difficult to get the midwives covered. I need an exemption because they are out-of-network. But, I should be able to get one! However, I can't request it myself. My primary care provider has to call the insurance company with all the midwives' information and request it for me. That sounded awfully complicated, but I carefully collected all the instructions the doctor would need and made an appointment.

Going to see the doctor on a weekday is a big deal for me. First, I had to drive John to work -- 45 minutes there, 45 minutes back. And then do that again to pick him up. That's what I have to do every time I need the car. I also decided to get a babysitter for Marko because I couldn't imagine wrangling him in a tiny consulting room while also discussing the ins and outs of my health insurance. I also had to arrive half an hour early because I'm a new patient -- so that the total time I was gone was an hour and a half, for what I thought could have been a fifteen-minute appointment.

The senior partner who was recommended to me is apparently hard to get in to see, so I was scheduled with a younger doctor, a very nice D.O. She kept me waiting for 20 minutes (sigh) but she was very friendly and actually took her time with me, so that was good. But when I told her all the things I needed, she kind of puckered her forehead. "I don't know if we can do that," she said. "We don't do backup care for homebirths."

"I don't want backup care," I said. "I just want a blood draw, a Rhogam shot, and this referral. I'm not looking for prenatal care. I'm just coming to my primary care provider for some primary-care stuff."

She looked kind of doubtful and said she would have to ask the higher-ups in the practice. She left for quite some time (leaving me a chance to read Diabetes Monthly and a horror story on the bulletin board intended to convince me to get the flu shot -- I had already finished American Baby (and planned several letters to the editor of that magazine -- it is full of misinformation) while waiting for her to come in the first time). When she came back, she was disappointed. She had hoped they could do something for me, but sadly, they could not. A blood draw and a Rhogam shot are both prenatal care. They only give prenatal care as a package deal -- all or nothing. And if I got my prenatal care with them, I would have to deliver with them or another doctor they approved. Otherwise they would be assuming liability for my homebirth and they couldn't do that.

And as for the referral -- no way. Referring me to a midwife would imply that they approved of my going to a midwife, which would imply that they were taking on responsibility, which means -- more liability.

The doctor also told me she wasn't sure I could find any doctor anywhere who would do what I wanted. I only hope she is wrong about that. She advised that if I can't find another doctor to do the Rhogam, to show up in the emergency room after the birth, and they will have to give it to me. Which I suppose is an option, though hardly my favorite.

It's annoying to be healthy as a horse and yet have this crazy medical condition that requires nothing but a simple shot -- but a shot which must be prescribed by a physician and administered by a nurse, no exceptions. And no physician wants to take on the liability of treating me for this simple condition ... because, to them, pregnancy is the disease, not Rh incompatibility. Whereas I believe that pregnancy isn't an illness and I don't need a doctor for it -- I need a doctor for the actual medical condition I do have.

The insurance part is even more annoying. The insurance company would rather pay $10,000 plus to a doctor than $3000 to a midwife. And to get them to pay a midwife, I have to get a doctor who will refer me to one -- but since there is absolutely nothing in it for the doctor, and it would be, in effect, referring me to their competition, I just don't see why a doctor would agree to that.

Really, the only answer to all of this is to change my primary care provider to someone else and do this whole runaround again. And again, if necessary. The driving, the babysitter, the hassle, the copay -- just to speak with a doctor, who might turn me down. If it were just the insurance money, I'd be tempted to give up. (Though don't get me wrong -- we could really, really use the money. Especially since this insurance is really freaking expensive and more than we can afford ... it would be nice to recoup some of the money we're paying for it.) But since it's a question of the health and safety of my future children, I have to try my best to find a doctor who I can be quite sure will care for me.

Being "alternative" in any way is rough. I've already been "let go" by one pediatrician by our unwillingness to vaccinate on schedule. Apparently the way of the medical field nowadays is just to refuse to treat you unless you do everything their way. It just isn't fair.

Is this nesting?

I didn't really "nest" last pregnancy. I made a couple of extra meatloaves, chucked them in the freezer, and called it good. I was too exhausted from work to do much else.

This time, I don't really see why I'm not more tired. Marko doesn't sleep through the night more than half the time, and when he does, I still don't. It's common for me to wake up every hour or two, and then get pulled out of bed at 5 a.m. to rock him in the (vain) hope that he will go to sleep again. I rarely get eight hours, and it's never in one go. Ever.

And yet, once I'm well up and have had some breakfast, I start feeling this crazy zing. Half energy, half anxiety. I have a long before-baby to-do list, but I don't often get to cross things off on it. (Though sometimes I spend a lot of time staring at the list, trying to think what I can add and then do so I can cross something off.) Most of the items are either shopping (which I can't do on the average weekday, not having a car) or it's way too soon to do them (like making laborade). I know I've got 11 more weeks, but it feels like time is just ticking away on me -- seriously, this pregnancy has flown by -- and I'm going to turn around and find I'm in labor and haven't done a thing on my list.

Meanwhile, I have the same anxious feeling about my garden. I know I'm going to be tired and uncomfortable as the due date gets close. But the due date is almost exactly the last-frost date. There's so much I am going to want to plant right then! I want to work ahead on the garden and get it all done now ... but it's February. So I can't.

What do I do with all this nervous energy? Laundry? Ha, no. I do random things that my brain fixates on and declares, "This is a good idea." Usually it isn't particularly.

For instance: last October we had a really big snowstorm and our whole yard was covered in fallen branches. After a month or two a friend came with his chainsaw and got the big stuff, but the smaller stuff was still everywhere. But no one had the inclination to do anything about it until suddenly a week or so ago I looked at that back yard and said, "It looks so awful! How is the grass ever going to grow through this? What about the tulips? What about having a place to play?" So I decided that every day I'd pick up a little bit of it, being careful not to do too much on any one day, so that I wouldn't strain my back.

About two hours after I'd made this decision, I'd cleaned up the whole yard and made three massive brush piles. On subsequent days, I raked up all the loose twigs and leaves in the yard, dragged the leaf piles into the front yard, piled them on my garden beds, made brick edgings for the beds, etc. I just ... can't ... help myself.

With the yard all clean, my eyes lighted on our shed. Our hideous shed. I've wanted to paint it for a long time. So I poked around in the cellar to find some leftover exterior paint. My only choices were the original color (turns out that's "celery green") and white. So I chose white. (What I really wanted was to paint it barn red, with white trim. Unfortunately that paint was not to be found, and since painting the shed is, like, 20th on our home improvement priority list, I couldn't exactly justify buying the paint.\

It actually doesn't look so horrible in this picture. But everything looks worse now that it's winter.

I wasn't 100% sure how the paint would look, so I decided to just do the trim, which was already white so it wouldn't even show. Ha. It showed. It looked terrible, nasty rusty celery green with BRIGHT white trim. So what can you do? I painted the rest of it, too. Now the whole shed seems to glow. Luckily I already have a plan to grow morning glories all over it ... hopefully that helps.

The worst part was wondering how I was going to explain to my husband that I kind of sort of accidentally painted the shed. I couldn't help it, your honor! I was pregnant at the time, which means it sounded like a really good idea that totally couldn't wait till the next day to get my husband's opinion on! However, I'm pretty sure he's seen it and hasn't noticed. (If you're reading this: sorry it looks kinda awful. I could paint it again!)

The other place my nesting instincts have kicked in is in the kitchen. I just have to bake, pretty much every day. Sourdough boule! Baguettes! Pancakes! Blintzes! My cravings tag-team with my nervous energy and force me to reach great heights in the kitchen. For instance, I wanted a Reuben. Which meant making sourdough bread (this recipe -- takes a night and a day, be warned), sending my husband to buy roast beef and mustard, and digging up the can of sauerkraut that's been sitting in the cupboard for six months and was my inspiration for the whole thing.


A different day, I wanted lasagna. I had pretty much none of the ingredients required for lasagna. But why should that stop me? I made homemade ricotta (actually quite easy) and homemade egg noodles (actually really hard) and made something like sausage from ground venison. There was nothing in there that wasn't made from scratch, unless you count tomato sauce because I didn't smoosh the actual tomatoes for it. Or, well, I guess you can't count the mozzarella either because I don't know how to make that. Still, I was pretty darn proud of my lasagna -- and it was delicious.

Once I had made the sourdough bread for the first time, I just couldn't be satisfied with Reuben sandwiches. What I wanted was something I used to have as a kid: when we would go visit my grandparents, my grandma would always serve homemade sourdough bread. Everyone would have it with apricot jam, except my grandpa. He would have it with sour cream and marmalade. So of course I picked up on that and ate it that way too. (I would do anything to be like Grampy, up to and including turning down apricot jam.) So now when I eat sourdough bread, I start craving marmalade.

Again, no marmalade around the house. Starting to feel guilty importuning my husband to stop on the way home and spend our precious grocery budget on random things I suddenly crave. But we did have oranges! So I made homemade, lacto-fermented marmalade. (This recipe produces something that's more like orange slices swimming in liquid, which doesn't go well on toast. So I ran it through the food processor, and now it's more marmalade-y.) We did have sour cream, but why do anything the easy way? I strained my homemade yogurt and used that, for a 100% homemade, 100% fermented result.

Delicious.

I admit this is not the best use of my time. I may look like the mom who's "doing it all," but on my baking or yard work days, the house starts to look pretty darn bedraggled. Marko enjoys my projects, mostly (keeping him from touching the wet paint was kind of a chore), so I don't feel I'm neglecting him, but it is rather sad to come out of the kitchen with my delicious bread and marmalade and see books and toys scattered everywhere. Plus the kitchen itself looks like a bomb went off. Sooooo perhaps I could find a way to apply this energy to cleaning the house?

Here's hoping. Meanwhile, I only have 11 weeks to buy a carseat and order more cloth diapers and make some food for the freezer and set up the crib and figure out what Marko's going to sleep on and order the birth kit and collect homebirth supplies and and and and .....! Wish me luck.

Polite answers to rude questions

CatholicMommy mentioned in the combox the other day that people tend to act like a pregnant woman is public property. Ain't that the truth. So many nosy questions!

Last time I was pregnant, I worked in a school, so every day I would see the kids' parents. That is to say, I would see a gang of women who had all been pregnant before and had determined that they were going to shepherd me through the whole thing. Basically, they took one look at my pregnant belly and took possession of it: this is OUR first-time mom and we are going to find out EVERYTHING about her pregnancy and give her TONS of advice. All conflicting, of course.

However, those lists of witty answers to prying questions wouldn't have worked for me, because I actually did like these women (mostly) and I wanted to maintain a good professional relationship with them, anyway. So when they asked, "Do you know what it is?" I couldn't exactly answer, "Well, we're really hoping it's a baby and not a lizard." You know?

So I've compiled this list of polite ways to evade rude questions. Don't get me wrong -- it will still be obvious you're evading questions. And certainly some rude people will persist because they want to know the answer that badly. But most people will hear a polite evasion and realize that you'd rather not say. And it's a little nicer to have a polite evasion ready than just to say, "I prefer not to say," to every single question.

Are you pregnant (when you don't want to tell yet)?
*I sure wouldn't mind if I was!
*You'd be one of the first to know!
*No news yet, but I'll keep you posted!

When's your due date?
*In the spring.
*Around Easter.
*We're hoping he'll be out by May 17th [add two weeks to your due date].
(In case you're wondering, the reason not to tell people your exact due date is to avoid people hounding you on and after the due date if you haven't delivered yet. I personally don't mind sharing mine, but I always remind people "but you know, that's just the doctor's guess!")

Oh my goodness, are you sure? You're so big/little!
*That's funny, someone this morning told me exactly the opposite!
*My doctor/midwife says I'm measuring just right.

Is it a boy or a girl?
*Hopefully it's one of those! (with a smile)
*I guess we'll find out when it comes out! (Hint: even if you know, they will find out when it comes out. So I think this is still an honest answer whether you know the gender or not.)

Which do you want?
*I'm just hoping for a mellow baby.
*Secretly, I hope it's a redhead.
*Thank goodness I don't have to decide -- I'd never be able to choose!

Have you picked out a name?
*There are a few we're thinking about.
*I'll have to see the baby for myself before I'm 100% sure.

Was this planned?
*God planned it from all eternity! (Say this to anyone who asks you at church. They should totally know better.)
*Well, it was certainly good news, if that's what you mean!
*I don't plan my life in that much detail, but I was happy about it!

Are you done?
*I guess we'll see in a few years, won't we?
*Depends on how much we like this one.

Don't you know what causes that?
*After this many kids, we're beginning to put two and two together.
*Oh, yes, we know all about how the stork leaves the babies under cabbage leaves. (wink)

What?! You are having a natural birth/an epidural/a midwife/a home birth/a hospital birth?!
*We're still doing our research.
*So far we both agree that it's the best choice for us. (Bringing up your spouse is handy ... if they're not present and the person can't argue with them.)
*Based on my risk factors, it's actually a very safe choice for me.
(Of course there are loads of other things you could say if you want to evangelize, but these are pass-the-bean-dip answers for the people you DON'T want to argue with.)

Can you think of any more rude questions you get when you're pregnant? Can you think of any better answers? Answering a prying question without seeming rude or offending the asker is a tough job!

No belly pictures this time

When I was pregnant with Marko, friends and family kept hassling me for pictures of my pregnant belly. I let them talk me into it, and posted a few. This time, they've started to do it again ... and I've decided to say no.

The reason I went along last time is because I'm at such a distance from my family. I knew it must be hard for them to get their heads around the idea that I was becoming a mother. So I posted a few pictures in the hopes that it would help.

But I've never really been comfortable posting belly pictures. I don't like putting up a picture of myself so that people ignore all the features I consider important about myself (like my face) and just stare at my belly. I feel objectified when they do that. In person, people might comment on my belly but they also interact with me individually. Online, when there's just a picture, only the belly gets any attention. I guess I feel like a container instead of a person. People say they "want to see the baby," but they can't see the baby. All they can see is my big ol' gut. Then they all talk about how big it is. Where else is it appropriate to exclaim over the size of a woman's belly?

It just makes me uncomfortable. I don't mind posting pictures of myself when I'm pregnant, and if my belly happens to be visible, so be it. That is what I look like. But it's frustrating to post a picture of me with my husband, or me with my son, or me doing something fun, and all the comments are "oh, it looks like you're showing!" (Especially when I'm not. That's the way my belly always is, thank you very much.) I wish they would comment on how happy I look, or the fun thing I'm doing, or the people I'm with, like they would if I weren't pregnant.

I guess sometimes, when you're hugely and obviously pregnant, you would like people to treat you as just a regular person, instead of always noticing and commenting on the fact that you're pregnant. I imagine disabled people would get tired of people always commenting on their wheelchairs, too. I'm not ashamed, but at the same time, I'm not just a pregnant woman. I'm still the same person I was before.

And when it comes down to it, it is my body and my image. I do not have to post pictures for everyone else to see if I'm not comfortable with it. I came to this conclusion after writing the post about bodily autonomy. If a woman can post a picture of herself nursing her baby, simply because she wants to do so, then I can not post a picture of myself showing off my pregnant belly ... simply because I do not want to do so.

I'm sure lots of people I know will be disappointed by this decision. But in the end, they can't help but respect it. No one can make me display what I don't choose to. And no one can make me feel guilty for respecting my own personal boundaries -- because I don't believe there is anything for me to feel guilty about.

Am I the only one who feels this way? I know it seems the norm to post belly shots ... but surely there are other people who choose not to.

A bit about pelvic girdle pain

When I was about five months pregnant with Marko, my back started to hurt. Right at the very lowest joint of my lower back, hovering around my right hip. It hurt when I was on my feet a lot (which I always was), when I drove a lot (which I always did), and when I carried any heavy weights (which I didn't do). It hurt at work and during choir practice. It hurt when I tried to roll over in bed. It got so John had to help me get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't stand on one foot to put my socks on or lie on my back, at all, ever. And the further along I got, the worse it got.

I asked my Ob/Gyn about it. I asked each new doctor (there were eight) at each visit. One said to ask my mom. One said it was sciatica. The nicest one said that I might try wearing different shoes and that she could write me a referral to a physical therapist. The shoes helped a little. I couldn't afford the therapist.

I asked Facebook about it. My aunt gave me a few stretches, which helped a tiny bit. Some suggested belly support girdles, which I never did try. Some suggested hot pads and hot water bottles and hot baths, which were all heaven. And everyone else told me to try to stay off my feet, which I did as best as I could.

I asked the internet about it. It said, "It's not sciatica, that's a misnomer. It's something else. 20% of women suffer from it. Suck it up."

When I was in labor, the most excruciating pain was in my pelvis. It hurt worse than the contractions, and of course got worse with the contractions. Then I had a baby, and no pain! At least, none that I noticed while staying off my feet recovering.

But when I got up again and started doing things, it started hurting again. Not a lot. Just a little twinge here and there. I adjusted the way I was wearing my Moby wrap, and it mostly went away. But if I walked too long or carried the baby too much, there it was again. Just a twinge. Nothing to worry about or even restrict what I was doing. Just enough to notice.

So I went back to Google and found more things out. Google said I had SPD -- symphysis pubis dysfunction. All the symptoms sounded about right. The discouraging part was where it said, "DO NOT by any means give birth in stirrups! That could cause permanent damage!" Great. SO GLAD Dr. Pushy took the time to do a Google search, find out what I had, and take precautions. Not. It always makes me mad when I find out something from five minutes of Googling that the doctors don't know. But then again, it took me awhile to find it, too, so whatever.

So I went along my merry way until one day a few months ago when I was walking home from the park and my back started to hurt. It's only a two-block walk. I thought, "This shouldn't be hurting. I wonder if I'm pregnant?" And I was. Little sprout was two weeks old and I was already beginning to hurt.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant now and it hurts about as bad as it did at 30 weeks last time. This makes me really nervous, thinking about the possibility of it getting worse. Every time I rake the leaves, do more than a little housework at a time, or take a walk, I'm pretty much out of commission for the rest of the day. I yelp when I turn over in bed, and I spend my time trying to figure out ways to avoid picking Marko up. I can lift him into his high chair, or carry him to bed. But I can't really rock him standing up, or bring him places he doesn't want to go, or let him come "UP UP UP" every time he demands it, without hurting a lot afterward.

I asked one of the midwives about it, briefly, at our appointment, and she said, "Well, you're pregnant now. You can't expect to be able to cart around a 25-pound toddler everywhere you go anymore. It's time to practice letting him walk." Which was good advice. Sooner or later he's going to have to learn to hold my hand and not dart into the street. We may as well practice now. Then the midwife showed me a couple of stretches, suggested yoga, and told me that the patients she's had with back pain in the past all found chiropractic work helpful.

So there I am. I decided to do more research on SPD to see if there was anything I could do myself, or anything I could avoid doing, that would help. And there is a lot of advice out there. The only thing that isn't quite right is that SPD affects that symphysis pubis -- the joint at the front of the pelvis, where the pubic bone is. And that isn't where the pain is for me. My symphysis pubis has always felt fine. And as a result, the advice to keep my legs together all the time to avoid those twinges has never helped at all.

Finally I landed on a page about pelvic girdle pain, also known as pelvic girdle instability, which actually IS, I'm almost sure, what I have. See, the pelvis has three joints: the symphysis pubis in the front and the sacroiliac joints in the back, on either side of the spine. My sacroiliac joints are the ones that hurt. SPD is just one kind of pelvic girdle pain, and I have another.

PGP is caused loosening ligaments in the pelvis. Of course this is completely natural, because the pelvis needs to loosen up to let the baby out. But it gets too floppy and unstable, and so the muscles take over to keep it steady. Those muscles get really, really sore from doing the pelvis's job. That's why a muscle right over my sacroiliac joint, on one side or the other, is always hurting. Heat and massage help, like they would for any tight, sore muscle.

I found two support pages for women with PGP: the Pelvic Instability Network Support page, and Pelvic Partnership. They both had some good tips. And they both agreed on one thing: the main thing that will make me feel better is to go to a chiropractor or physical therapist and get an adjustment to restore the symmetry of my pelvis. If it's relaxing symmetrically, the muscles shouldn't be called upon to do too much of the work.

So, that's a goal for whenever we have the time and money to do it. Meanwhile, I skip my walks (hardly healthy of me), lead Marko by the hand, and demand a backrub every night.

Anyone else suffer from this? I really recommend following the links in this post; I learned a lot.

Midwife success!

I found a midwife some time ago that I wanted to see. Actually, it's a practice with two midwives. Both are rather new on the job -- certified two years each -- but the amount of training they have each had before becoming certified is kind of staggering.

But there were issues. First was coming up with the money. While John was working at his old job, there was no way we could afford it. When he got the new job, we decided that we would surely be able to save up that amount by May, so I contacted the midwife again. But she wanted a deposit at the first visit -- more than we had lying around.

But when I told her I couldn't schedule a visit till we had the money, she wrote back saying not to worry about it, just to come on in and pay the money when I had it. Very nice of her! And in the end, we did have the money in time anyway.

So last Thursday, I finally had the long-awaited appointment. The office was a bit of a surprise. I guess I was expecting, you know, an office. In an office building. Or more likely a business park. Though I did wonder where there were any business parks in Linden, Virginia.

Well, the "business park" was more like a gravel road disappearing into the woods. Gorgeous woods, of course. It's November in Virginia. And the office itself was a very old-looking building in the middle of nowhere. But as soon as we walked inside, I could kind of get the feel of it. It had an atrium full of herbs (which made the whole place smell like incense) and overall felt ... like a hippie midwife office in the woods. Exactly what I should have expected.

Once we got upstairs and sat down with the midwives, though, it was as professional as anyone could hope. Plenty of toys for the kiddo. Plenty of books on birth and babies and even one on elimination communication. (I think I'll have to ask to borrow that one!) Jars of herbs and trays of equipment. The appointment took two hours, between the paperwork and the actual appointment stuff. Since I'm 14 weeks already, it was nice to get all the appropriate things tested and the heartbeat listened to (sounded great!) and my questions answered. Unfortunately they do not have a secret herb in their back closet that will cure my terrible back pain. But they did suggest a chiropractor, and pointed out that I am pregnant now and can't expect to haul my 25+ pound child with me on my hip all the time anymore. Which I guess isn't rocket science, but it sure is more attention than the OB/Gyns ever gave that problem last pregnancy.

Their views seemed to jive with me about everything. They wanted to hear Marko's birth story, and we discussed episiotomies (they've never done any) and the managed third stage of labor (another thing they don't do) and delayed cord cutting (which they are all about). I have no doubts whatever that they will do what I want.

Best of all, they gave me tons of information about my options. There were packets about glucose testing, ultrasounds, and vitamin K shots, informing me of all the risks and benefits of each test and what my risk factors might be. "You mean I have a ... choice?" Everything is optional here ... because, obviously, I am the patient and have the right to refuse anything I want. That's the law, but you don't see many doctors saying, "We encourage this test, here is a ton of information about the risks and benefits." Instead they say, "It's time for your glucose tolerance test. Sign up at the front desk on your way out." You're never told that you can refuse.

All in all, I could not have asked for a better first appointment. I really think I'm going to like these ladies.

The next hurdle: finding a back-up OB or GP who can do my bloodwork, Rhogam shot, and any additional drugs or testing I might need. CPMs (certified professional midwives) can't prescribe anything, so I need to visit a doctor for all of that stuff. It's a shame, because I really believe these ladies have sufficient training to administer a simple shot -- but the state disagrees. There are tons of restrictions on midwives. However, I think Virginia does a decent job of regulating midwives so that they are available for people who want them. Certainly we trump many states that don't allow CPMs at all!

(In other news, Marko is now regularly going to bed at eight and then not sleeping very well thereafter. Sigh. I can't believe that a month ago he was going to bed at ten and sleeping through till eight, and I thought that this was a problem. But perhaps when he recovers from his current cold, things will be a little better. All I know is, I spent four hours last night lying on the cold floor of his bedroom, trying to help him go to sleep, and I'm not a fan. At least he is going to bed at a reasonable hour, though, right?)

Tell me it's okay to wean

It seems like everyone I know nursed straight through pregnancy and then tandem nursed afterwards. (Tandem nursing is nursing two children during the same time period.) I know that isn't true. The ones who weaned during pregnancy just never happened to mention it, because it's the more common thing to do. But as I read my blogs each day, I keep on coming across more and more about nursing during pregnancy and tandem nursing. Assuring me that it's okay. Assuring me that it's normal. Assuring me that it is totally the best thing to do. Articles like this one and this one and this one.

I understand that. It's not as common a choice as it seems from my point of view, and those who do it often don't know anyone else who does. They think they have to wean when they get pregnant, and the fact is, they don't. They can if they want to, or they can choose not to.

You never have to wean as long as everything's normal. Nursing never becomes physically or psychologically damaging. The length of an average nursing relationship is cultural: some cultures, like the !Kung in Africa, do it for four years or more. In Biblical times, three years was taken as pretty standard. And in Mongolia, sometimes the youngest child nurses till six or seven because no one really cares if they do. Sooner or later, whether you do anything about it or not, every child weans. At the very latest, when their permanent teeth start coming it, they lose their latch. No child ever graduated from high school still breastfeeding. So there's no need to worry.

However, sometimes mothers just don't want to wait six or seven years to be done nursing ... especially if they have other children! There are so many reasons why mothers choose to wean. Just the other day a woman was asking for advice online because she had to wean her toddler to get back on medication she needed. Some women demanded, "Will you die without it? Then why are you forcing her to wean?" I don't think that's fair at all. Making the sacrifice of going without a needed medication for a whole year is very selfless -- no need to make her sound like a terrible mother because she doesn't want to do it for three years.

On the other hand, I also don't really like the advice I see where moms are told to just wean cold turkey, along with the not-so-comforting addition, "My son screamed bloody murder for a few days, but then he was fine." Isn't it kind of traumatic to take something that has been a source of nourishment and comfort for a child's whole life and just say, "Nope, you can't have it anymore because you're a big boy"? I've heard that approach likened to taking a child's baby blanket away from him and nailing it on the wall out of reach. "Oh, it's still here. And I could get it for you if I wanted. But you're just going to have to look at it all day and know you can't have it."

So that isn't what I wanted to do. I decided to wean gently, a little a time, and being okay with going backwards for awhile during a stressful time. I've got nine months (well, seven now). I don't have to be done today. For the main part, I feel good about this decision. I think Marko's ready, or will be soon, and that he will be okay without nursing.

But I guess I just wish there was a little more out there that affirmed my current experience. I want a blog post by a mom who did wean during pregnancy -- and had it go well. Some tips might be nice. Some commiseration might be nice. I guess I just want what I always want ... someone else to tell me I'm doing the right thing.

Why am I choosing to wean? Well, a number of reasons. The idea of nursing two is just overwhelming and scary to me. I know it might be okay. But what if it's not, and I hate and resent it? I can't exactly change my mind on a dime here. And it's not that I haven't seen it done -- I have. But the women who do it always seem to have kind of mixed feelings about it. I want to feel good about showing affection to my toddler when I have a new baby -- not touched-out because I'm nursing around the clock. Nursing a newborn is really time-consuming as it is.

I also am aware that most women lose their milk supply at some point in pregnancy. At that time, many children wean naturally. It seems like an easier time to do it than later might be. Though I know nursing my son till he's five would not do him any harm, I just ... don't ... really ... want ... to. I want to be done in the foreseeable future. I never intended to nurse him longer than a year when he was born, so I am aware that I could easily change my mind. But it seems so convenient to work on weaning during pregnancy.

But then when I actually did get pregnant, I felt completely decided. Why? The PAIN. Oh the pain. Some women have no pain while nursing during pregnancy. Some have a little. And some, like me it turns out, have awful, terrible, excruciating pain. So far I am handling it fine. Twice a day for now, and knowing we'll be done soon? I can take that. But I can't imagine how I would deal with it if he were still nursing on demand, and there were no end in sight. I would find myself feeling resentful and angry. I have no objection to mothers "being martyrs" if we want to. I mean, we have to go through labor. It's not like suffering pain for your child is something out of left field. But if you've had enough, and it's driving you crazy, and the amount of good it's doing your child seems to be much less than the amount of harm it's doing you? You don't have to do that if you don't want to.

So, there it is. Marko is fine. He has never "screamed bloody murder" because if nothing else will comfort him besides nursing, he gets nursing. Honestly, though, that hardly ever happens. Generally, the offer to play outside, rock in the rocking chair, or read a book is happily accepted. So I think I'm agonizing over it a heck of a lot more than he is.

Has anyone else weaned during pregnancy? How did it go?

Plans change

Two weeks ago, I had a lot of plans for how I would do things during this pregnancy. Since I wasn't sick, I wasn't too concerned about just getting by. My goals were to wean Marko, at a pace he would accept, and to teach him a better way to go to sleep. No rush, though, because stroller walks were working fine! I soon was only nursing about once a day, at no particular time, and stroller-walking to sleep at naptime and bedtime.

That was right when the morning sickness struck, and hard. We were out and about a lot -- three parties that week, and two days with my in-laws. And it was fun, but I just felt awful. So tired and so sick. I could barely eat anything, but the less I ate, the worse I felt. I slacked off on taking my vitamins, too, so that didn't help. And I was exhausted, because I had been napping each day up till then, but couldn't nap much that week.

The following week was more restful, but the sickness remained. It was just so awful. Meanwhile sleep was getting harder. Two stroller walks a day is a lot, especially when it's taking Marko longer and longer to go to sleep. And the weather was beginning to get worse. Then, two nights in a row, Marko absolutely refused to get in the stroller at all. We could roll him through the neighborhood howling, or give up -- which is what we did. John was eventually able to get him to sleep by walking around with him in his room.

But that wasn't going to work long-term, either. Marko has no interest whatsoever in going to sleep that way with me. I guess my shoulders aren't big enough or I haven't got the trick of bouncing right. He just screams "Daddy, Daddy" the whole time. Only John is not always available at bedtime ... so what now? I have sometimes had luck getting him to sleep by lying down with him and singing ... like, twice. At naptime only. Bedtime is harder, and we were already struggling against a confused sleep schedule. The only way to get him to sleep when his schedule is confused is to use a sure-fire method he is accustomed to -- only our old method is broken.

I found myself wistfully sighing of the old days, when he was about nine months old, when I used to nurse him to sleep. It took ten minutes or so. I'd nurse him in the rocking chair and then lie down with him for awhile. It was perfect and I enjoyed it -- only once in awhile, it didn't work and we'd have to try again in an hour (because he wouldn't nurse again right away). Stroller walks seemed like a magic solution, because they always worked. Only ... now they don't. And they sure take a heck of a lot longer than ten minutes.

So I went back to nursing Marko to sleep. It occurred to me that it will be way easier to transition to a new sleep method from nursing than it will to do so from stroller-walking. I can build a good sleep routine that has nursing as part of it, and then slowly reduce the amount of nursing and increase the book reading, rocking chair rocking, singing, and lying in bed. I honestly think this method is more likely to get him falling asleep on his own sometime before ten years old than the stroller method is. So nursing it is.

I wasn't really paying attention to anything at the time, except that it took an hour to get him to sleep the first night (yikes! but luckily that's improving as he gets used to it) and the fact that nursing him does hurt, a lot. It's like nursing a piranha.

But, in apparently unrelated news, the next day I didn't feel so sick. In fact, I felt like making a big dinner and eating every bite. After eating it, I felt great. The next day, I felt like eating a big breakfast. So I did, and felt fine. I haven't felt really sick since. I just have this kind of gaggy feeling at the back of my throat a lot of the time, and of course I can't eat anything too spicy or heavy without regretting it, but I'm eating normally and feeling fine. I also don't feel the need for naps lately.

It was only just the other day that I thought, "I remember hearing that nursing helped reduce morning sickness for some women. I wonder ..." And, you know, I bet that's it. I bet nursing once a day, and not at all some days, brought me below a certain threshold and gave me awful morning sickness. And then increasing the amount of nursing to twice a day, reliably, was enough to cure the morning sickness. I can't prove that, and I'm not going to experiment with it because I feel fine and want to continue feeling fine. But it's something to think about.

Another side effect has been that Marko has stopped asking to nurse almost completely. When we weren't nursing much, he would think of it all the time. I usually was able to distract him, so we wouldn't nurse every time, but sometimes I would go ahead and nurse him because he wanted it so much. Now that he's reliably getting some nursing twice a day, I think he's happy because that's the amount he needs. He knows he doesn't have to ask all the time; he'll get it anyway. So I think it's probably what is best for him to keep at this level of nursing for awhile, painful as it is. Maybe he'll need it less soon, but for now, this is keeping him happy. He even seems less grouchy! And I peeked in his mouth last night ... he has two new canines. I never noticed him teething at all. He's woken up a little at night, but not enough to make me think he was teething. Apparently he was.

I'm a planner, and I like to know when naptime will be or how I will help Marko through this or that transition. But I try to be flexible, too, so I can be responsive to what he actually needs. I think this is one of those times when I need to throw my old plan out the window and do what actually works for our family right now.

...But I still really hope I can manage to wean him before May.

Pregnancy insomnia

Totally exhausted? Check! Morning sickness? Check! But now the kidney-bean-sized terror has a new delight for me: insomnia.

I guess pretty much everyone has this. And any time you mention it, somebody's gotta say, "Hey, it's gonna be worse once the baby's born!"

In my experience, that's not actually true, thank goodness. I can wake up to feed a baby and be asleep four seconds after the baby is, if not before. My born child is no longer keeping me up much at all. My unborn one, though ... Let me elaborate. Let's take last night.

9:00 p.m. Marko is asleep. Yay!
9:15 - Gosh, my head is killing me. I wonder if I'm just dehydrated? Only I know I shouldn't drink water right before bed.
9:30 - Well, I'm gonna do it anyway. Hope it helps. Drink a tall glass of water.
9:45 - Also have a snack and a prenatal vitamin.

10:00 - Go to the bathroom one last time (haha).
10:05 - In bed. So tired. Thank goodness I will soon be asleep.
10:15 - Man, my head still hurts. If I lie on my back, it feels a little better, though I can't sleep like this. I'll just lie like this till I'm tired, and then roll over to sleep.
10:30 - Oh, I really have to go to the bathroom. But I'm almost asleep. Surely I will still be able to fall asleep.
10:45 - Fat chance. Hello again, bathroom.

11:00 - Now I'm wide awake. My head really hurts. I'll lie on my back awhile longer and stare at the ceiling.
11:15 - Getting sleepy. I'll roll onto my right side (my preferred sleeping position).
11:30 - Oh no, that made me really queasy! Let's try my left side.
11:45 - Didn't help. Am I hungry, or too full?

12:00 - I vote hungry. Drag myself out of bed to eat a few nuts. They're salty, so I have three tiny sips of water.
12:15 - Wide awake. But at least now I'm comfortable.
12:30 - Sooooo sleepy. But now I have to go to the bathroom again.
12:45 - Sweet relief. Kind of curious how three sips of water turned into a gallon on the way out. Aaaaand I'm wide awake.
1:00 - I guess I finally fell asleep?

* * *

3:45 - I have no idea why I am awake.
3:50 - I also have no idea why Marko is in the living room. Return him to bed.

4:00 - Return to my room, after eating a couple more peanuts and going to the bathroom AGAIN.
4:00-5:00 - Sort of snooze, but keep coughing. Was it the peanuts, or am I sick?

5:00 - John's alarm goes off. My throat really hurts. Like strep-throat hurts. Uh-oh.
5:10 - I tell John that I am sick, though I don't know what I expect him to do about it.
5:15 - He kindly brings me a glass of water. I moisten my lips with it regretfully. But I would like to get more sleep now, NOT visit the bathroom a million more times. It does seem to stop the coughing though.

6:00 - Is that the dog whining?
7:00 - He's definitely whining. I should get up. I should wake Marko up, or he'll mess up his whole schedule.
7:15 - Lift my head up. Owwwwww. Hurts even worse. Lay it back down.
7:30 - Haul myself out of bed, take the dog out, go to the bathroom, drink a gallon of water, eat nuts. Decide I hates nuts forever. Two days ago they were the dream morning-sickness food. Also, water makes me queasy.
7:45 - Marko makes sad noises. I let the dog into his room. Sad noises turn into pure joy. WIN! The day has officially started.

The really weird part? The really messed-up part? There is no way at all that I go to the bathroom that much in the daytime. Why do I always have to go at night?! Also, why am I always so thirsty at night? (Blame the nuts I guess. But I am always thirsty at night. It's just usually my iron bladder can take me chugging a glass before bed and another if I should happen to wake up. That is NO LONGER THE CASE.)

Later in the day I tried to nap. Ha. It would help if the cat didn't insist on napping with me. Actually, I don't mind her napping with me. I mind her getting up and sauntering away, and then, when she finds there's nothing going on anywhere else either, she comes back and pokes her nose into my back, sending me ten feet in the air every time. The dog doesn't help either. If I put him in his kennel, he whines. If I put him in the backyard, he digs and thumps around right outside my bedroom window. This didn't use to bother me. The past two days, it's ensured that my two hours of available napping time results in 15 minutes of actual sleep.

Please commiserate with me here. Also, lie to me and say insomnia disappears after week ... say ... nine. That's in two days; I can survive that long. Though my memory reminds me that it generally gets worse until delivery. But I am going to pretend that isn't true, for the sake of my own sanity. I am so tired.