Things Look Up

Last blog post sure was whiny, wasn't it? I was feeling pretty terrible when I wrote it. But I have good news for you, dear readers: you are in good company. Along with many wise and intelligent people, God is a faithful reader of my blog. He read the whiny post -- and also saw how I was doing each day. He saw me fighting back tears at the very notion of going back to school last Monday. He saw me struggling to choose between the nap I badly needed and the hot bath that would make my back pain go away.

So He decided to step in. It snowed all weekend -- school was cancelled Monday. I went in Tuesday -- then it snowed some more. It snowed enough to cancel school Wednesday and Thursday, and cancel an inservice on Friday. I worked all of one day this past week.

Thank you, God!

Over the course of this week, I have gotten an insane amount of sleep. I took several long, hot baths. I stayed off my feet. I prepared a bit for baby -- mostly by reading, but also going through the baby things I had and making lists of what I needed. I spent time with my husband -- he had Saturday and Wednesday off when I did. I sat on the couch feeling baby kick and pondering whether this or that was a Braxton-Hicks contraction. (My mom says most likely.) I did a bit of cooking, and I got the kitchen clean at last. I folded the laundry and put it away so that it is not driving me crazy sitting around in huge piles.

Finally, I feel rested. My back pain has gone from unbearable agony to a slight twinge now and again when I change position. My feet don't hurt. I don't feel like melting into tears about everything. I am eating throughout the day, so I don't feel alternately starved and sick. When my husband talks, I listen and don't resent him for thinking he has anything to complain about.

If only it could always be like this! But that wouldn't be fair. I never had the intention of staying home full-time before having kids -- it would be a waste of my abilities and, in my opinion, lazy. (I know there are people who think a woman's place is in the home, regardless of whether she has children -- but I disagree. Someday I will write a long post that explains why. My basic reason for working was that we needed the money, and it would be ridiculous for me to stay home and clean a 500-square foot apartment while my husband took a second job.)

I know school will start back up next Tuesday, and as the weather gets warmer, snow days get less likely. There's still a bit of trepidation about this: I know how quickly I wear out. But I also know I'm closer to the end: I only have about seven weeks of school left. And I'm hopeful that the two weeks or so between my last day at work and my due date will be a good time to rest and prepare like this week has been. (Though there's no counting on it -- my mom had a couple of hers three weeks early.)

In any event, I have a few more days to rest and relax. I'm prevented from spending this time cooking things for the freezer, as I would like to do, because I haven't been able to get out and get groceries. And all the other basic chores are done. It's quite a foreign feeling! Today my main jobs are to make refried beans (in progress!), cook dinner, and experiment with frozen yogurt. I'll tell you all how that last one goes. I'm going hog-wild on dairy, because babies use a ton of calcium (in fact, I've heard they use an adult's whole RDA of calcium every day to develop their bones!), and I know yogurt is very healthy. I don't make my own yet, but I've been buying the plain kind in a big tub and trying to find ways to jazz it up and make it interesting.

In the rest of the time? I'm mostly dreaming. Dreaming of what being a mother will be like. I suppose I already am one, but I don't feel like one in the least. But I'm already in love with the baby. I see the ripples under my shirt as an elbow or knee wiggles around, and I get so excited. I wonder what baby will be like. Will my child be anything like me? Two of my younger siblings are very much like me, and I find myself completely enthralled by them -- the way they talk a mile a minute, wonder about everything, and have wild and unpredictable emotions. I would love to have a baby like them. But then, maybe the baby will be like John. I can't quite imagine what a baby version of John would be like. But I love the grown-up version so much I know I'd like the fun size.

I imagine ash blond curls, hazel eyes like John's. But if the baby comes out with red hair and blue eyes, I'll only love those the more. Or favoring the Hispanic side, all brown. I am so impatient to find out. I just want to have this baby put in my arms so I can continue falling in love.