Hygiene tips for toddlers

Of course we all have been extra careful about our hygiene lately, because of coronavirus. I'm sure everyone has been washing their hands to their favorite songs for a full twenty seconds, stopping themselves from scratching their noses at the last second, and staying home if their throat is scratchy. That's a given.

But kids, you know, have a harder time. So I thought I'd put together a few helpful tips for my toddler readers (ha!) because if there's one member of our family who needs to work on their hygiene, it's the toddler.

1. Eat a healthy diet. You know how you usually strive to eat as much food off the floor as possible? Try to keep it to 2-3 floor snacks a day. And only one of these should be off the floor of a disgusting gas station.

2. Cover your sneezes and coughs. If you can't get your hands up in time, mommy's eyeball is a great place to sneeze.

3. Wash your hands often. Mom is a horrible tyrant for ever making you stop. Turn both taps on full, splash in them, splash yourself, splash the floor. More splashes = more hygiene! That's just science!

4. If you're planning to lick your palms, rub them together, and apply them to friends and family saying you're "putting sunscreen on them," ask first. For some weird reason, some grownups don't want you to do that! It's like they want to get skin cancer!

5. Get a good night's sleep every night. Of course we all know that's impossible without a parent's presence. Wake every three hours to check that they're there. If not, bellow! You need your shut-eye and it's just inconsiderate of them to keep leaving like that.

6. Avoid contact with strangers, like babysitters, the doctor, and Grandma. I recommend the stink eye and an angry grunt if they try to talk to you. This doesn't count that nice kid at the park who is throwing sand with you. He is your best friend now. Borrow his sippy cup.

7. Bathrooms are unsanitary. Don't potty train. Just say no. Forever.

8. Pets help strengthen your immune system. Share your lollipop with the dog.

9. Stop grocery store hoarding. If your mom stops at the store for extra hand sanitizer to donate to the school, scream. Roll on the floor. Say you want to sit in the cart and then make your body rigid as a board. You know what to do.

10. Stay home if at all possible. And guess what, it's always possible! Explain to mom why she can't go to work. Grab the work clothes out of her hands as she tries to get dressed. Block her path to the shower. Hide her keys. It's for public health.


Toddlers, we are counting on you!