Will it be soon?

I would really like to have the baby today.

Why today?

Well, yesterday would have been fine, too. Or the day before. I'm 38 weeks now and no longer have any reason not to have the baby today. I'm just really, really anxious about it.

Now, I guess I'm being kind of silly about it. After all, I am feeling pretty well for 38 weeks -- enormous, sure, but managing to lug myself around without trouble. I'm not one of these people who is "so done being pregnant." I don't mind that part. What I mind, I guess, is the empty crib and all the cute onesies that are not being worn. I want to hold this baby already!

Reason #2 that I'm anxious is that I seem to have been in prelabor for the past week. There have been very few times in the past week that I haven't had contractions every 15 minutes, around the clock. (Only I don't time them at night, and I think either they slow down or I sleep through them.) Some of them are quite uncomfortable and labor-like. On Tuesday they were every 4 minutes for an hour. We were on the verge of calling the doctor when they slowed down again. It's just frustrating! It's like the baby is teasing us or something: "It could be today! Made you look, it's not today. Maybe today! Nope, not today." And when you want to see your baby this much, well, it's frustrating. Not to mention that prelabor contractions aren't exactly fun times. I am referring to them as "intense" and "uncomfortable" because I feel I will better be able to handle them if I don't use the word "painful." But -- they do take my breath away sometimes. This is a lot to go through and not end up with a baby, for a week.

The other night I was close to tears because I haven't had this baby yet. And then I woke up in the middle of the night with a massive contraction and cheered right up. But it still didn't result in a baby.

I'm trying to work on patience, but it's hard. Especially when John is just as impatient as me, if not more so. He doesn't have the cute kicks and rolls to console him -- he has to wait till I push the baby out before he gets to hold it. So he asks me every ten minutes or so, "Had any contractions? How do you feel? Does your back hurt?" Etc. I thought we were excited counting down the days to our wedding, but that really was nothing to this.

In other news, my last day of work was yesterday. It was kind of sad, hugging all the kids and their parents and saying goodbye. Then this morning I woke up at 6:35 (you know, that time that it always used to be impossible for me to wake up at, even with two alarms?) and immediately started having all kinds of ideas for things to do with the kids. I'm going to miss them, even while I don't miss the horrible traffic or the early mornings or the missing John all the time.

I feel a little selfish and entitled getting today off. I know I have a limited number of days off before the baby comes, and baby is sure to be a full-time job. But this morning I drove John to work and drove home thinking, "What shall I do today?" I resolved to do more housework (I'm running out of it, though: all this nesting instinct) and work on a writing project of mine. But here I am blogging and reading the blogs of people with cute babies. I hope I manage this stay-at-home mom thing. So far I'm more like a lazy bum.

However, it is an absolutely glorious day. So it is probably a great day to go outside and get an invigorating, contraction-inducing walk in. Also, I have an obgyn appointment today, so perhaps they can tell me something -- anything -- that will make me feel like I'm making progress?

AND it is Holy Thursday. One of my three favorite days of the year (the others are tomorrow and Easter). The wonderfulness of the Triduum is intensified whenever you're lucky enough to be in a choir, which I happen to be. I'm really looking forward to singing tonight! (Though I can't keep out of my head the thought, "What if I go into labor at church?" Honestly, this child is taking over my brain. I can't think of anything else.)

Say a prayer for a safe & fairly soon delivery of the cutest baby (I am certain) ever born.