New kitty!

Guess what guess what guess what, you guys!

I got a kitty!

Our basement kitty (officially named Pandora but always called Kitty-kitty) is still in the basement.  Every night she ventures out once the kids and dog are in bed for some snuggles with me, but the slightest noise and she whisks back down there to haunt the top shelves and stare down balefully.  It's safe to say she is a one-person cat.

But I've felt for years that what we really need is a cat that's for the kids.  Especially since we stopped keeping chickens.  So I've been keeping an eye out for the right cat.

The animal shelter sends a few cats to the pet store, to be on display there and maybe win over families, and that's where I spotted Clara.  She was a very pretty calico and I really, really wanted her.  But it took some time to get things together to adopt her, and by the time I got my application in at the humane society, somebody else had already asked for her.

It was sad, but I had come for a cat, so I asked to see all the others.  YOU GUYS.  There are some amazing cats down there.  They are a no-kill shelter so they have a whole lot of cats.  Some I was warned off of, as being stressed or hostile to kids or dogs or other cats.  But there were lots of friendly, mellow cats too.  The worker let them out one at a time for me to snuggle and the girls (who were with me) to interact with.

The cat that won me over had zero interest in the toys, but was enthusiastic about pets, even clumsy pets from Jackie.  She let me pick her up without a break in her purring.  I knew she was the cat chill enough for our family.  So I brought her home!

She's so chill and relaxed with the kids.  Just picks a place near them to lie around, and when they pet her, she purrs like a jet engine.

She's not meant to be "my" cat, but she's friendly with me also and loves to be picked up and snuggled.

I meant to name her something Greek and obscure, because that's a thing I do.  But I couldn't find anything related to the sun or fire that was feminine and didn't sound terrible.  And she was reminding me of somebody from a long, long time ago....

You see, when I was four years old, all I wanted was a stuffed cat.  I had seen this orange one at the laundromat, and just longed for her without any hope of actually getting her.  We were having a really rough time that Christmas.  I think that's when my dad was unemployed.  My mom warned me I wasn't likely to get very much for Christmas.

But, of course, on Christmas morning, there she was!  An orange stripey stuffed cat, the exact right size and shape for hugging.  I named her Tiger and slept with her every night till I left for boarding school.  And . . . after I got back.  And for some of the time in college.  She was just very comfortable to hold, okay? 

Anyway she was my best friend and I brought her everywhere.  I put sun lotion on her fur and it went all scruffy, and her whiskers all fell out at some point.  She was like the Velveteen Rabbit, the fur half loved off.

 Our new cat looks just like her.  So we named her Tiger.  It seems to suit her.

Orthodox Lent

I'm not the world's most supportive wife when it comes to John becoming Orthodox.  I don't go to church with him most Sundays, and when I do, I don't enjoy it.  I'm not sure if it's too Catholic or not Catholic enough.  Half the time I wish that, if he were inclined to woo, he could stick to the woo we're used to.  The other half, I wish that if he wanted a religion, he could have picked one that isn't homophobic and patriarchal.  It's like the worst of all possible worlds: ritual that's alien instead of comforting, and doctrines that are virtually the same as the Catholic ones.  But that was what John was looking for, I guess, and I'm glad he's happy.

The one thing I don't mind backing him up on, though, is the fasting.  The Orthodox fast the entirety of Lent, and by that they mean no meat, no fish, no dairy, no eggs, and no olive oil.  Invertebrates are okay.  I'm not ready to make vegan meals every dinner--I just don't know enough things to make that we like--but I've agreed to try for three days a week, and he can make the rest of his food himself. 

I'm excited because I desperately need to mix up our dinner menu.  We have had everything I usually make a million times.  Taking out meat gives me space to do more with the other ingredients.

So, what to make?  So far my vegan repertoire includes:
pasta with marinara sauce and spinach
falafel in a pita with cucumbers and vegan mayo
hummus wraps/sandwiches
black bean tacos with corn/bell pepper relish
bean enchiladas
minestrone soup
black bean/bell pepper soup
tomato soup with focaccia on the side
split pea soup
breakfast for dinner (vegan pancakes, homefries, baked apples)
lentil curry with coconut milk (the kids did not love this one)
tofu stirfry (nobody liked this option)

I'm a bit limited by not wanting to do much frying.  Fried eggplant, for instance, is delicious but John is watching his cholesterol and eggplant soaks up fat like a sponge.   Another limitation is that I mostly shop at Aldi and do not want to make a separate trip to the regular store for tofu, lentils, or other "odd" items.  Luckily margarine and soy/almond/coconut milk are all available there.

I can come up with endless soups but I would like more things that aren't soup.  I tried white bean "faux-fredo" sauce once and it was an utter fail . . . the noodles soaked up any liquid in the sauce, so it was just a starchy paste clinging to the noodles.  Maybe ratatouille or vegan lasagna would be good?  John also thinks there's got to be a way to make spanikopita vegan.  Honestly I would put just about any veggie into a pie.

I have no trouble getting by without meat, really.  But cheese.  Everything on this whole list would be better with at least one dairy product added.

Anyway, what are your favorite family-friendly vegan recipes?

Is laziness a thing?

I've been reading some things lately saying there's no such thing as laziness.  I mean, definitely people can be unproductive and not accomplish a lot.  But the word "lazy" suggests a voluntary, moral quality, whereas many people who aren't getting things done are actually doing the best they can.

They may have very low energy due to health problems.
They have have executive dysfunction.
They may be depressed.
They may simply have different priorities than other people think they should have.

It would be wrong to call these people "lazy," because their problem can't be solved by being shamed for not getting more done.  And it can be very comforting to look around at the stuff you've done and realize that maybe it actually was your best on that particular day.  I've had a lot of days like that, when I felt terrible about not knocking out my to-do list, only to realize that the reason I didn't accomplish more was because I had a crying baby hanging on me and was operating on five hours' sleep.  That's not laziness.  That's inability.

That said, there is one thing which I think is properly called laziness.  That's when people don't put forth effort when it benefits other people, only when it benefits themselves.  You know the type: holds down a job just fine but leaves boxer shorts all over a shared apartment, trusting that the roommates will put up with the mess.  Or a person who lives in their parents' basement rentfree and won't get a job, but they accomplish all of their own goals just fine.

Now it's okay to prioritize yourself in addition to others.  For instance, I sometimes use my limited time and energy writing books instead of cleaning, because writing the books is important to me, and the rest of the family doesn't mind my spending time on them.  If they didn't support it, I probably wouldn't, because I don't want to let people live in a trashed house so I could pursue a dream they don't believe in.  As it is, I think everyone in the family is okay with the balance I'm setting, so I don't feel selfish about it.

Next time you feel like you're being lazy, ask yourself why.  Are you unable to do even the things you truly want to do?  That's not laziness.  Do you just not want to do them because your neglect won't affect you?  Then maybe you should work on seeing things from other people's point of view.

7 quick takes

1

As is customary around here, the first take has to be the Excuse for Not Blogging.  I have to confess . . . I've been cheating on y'all.  I've been trying to build up an author blog that is . . . maybe a little less embarrassing than this one.  On the one hand, I bare my soul a lot here.  On the other, some of the old posts are things that I totally don't believe anymore.  So I made a new blog, with the idea I'd put the writing-relating stuff there and everything else here.

Trouble is, I'm not sure I'm capable of actually blogging reliably on one blog, let alone two.  Well, I'll make an effort.  Anyway the other blog is here and if you want to follow it . . . go for it.  Just don't spill the beans about this one over there, or I'm going to be so red in the face.

2

I feel like I should have had an opinion on some of the stuff that's been swirling around.  Like the March for Life/Covington kids thing.  I have been working on a policy of not having an opinion on viral stories right away, because more facts always come out later, and by then everyone's made up their minds too much to accept any new information.  I don't always follow it, but that video was easy to.  Because, yes, the boys looked very obnoxious, but on the other hand nobody got hurt, and I couldn't tell who had approached whom, so it was possible it was some kind of misunderstanding.

After alllll the articles that flew around, I'm generally of the feeling that yes, the boys were super obnoxious.  And that Nathan Phillips was probably telling the truth when he said he was worried about what they would do and felt that he was peacemaking.  At the same time, since they didn't approach him, I don't think what they did was as bad as it could have been.  Just teenage boys, behaving rather badly, but luckily not starting a fight or anything like that.

Now their families are suing everyone who happened to describe what they saw in the video, and that I disapprove of a lot more vehemently.  I've found out a lot about slander lawsuits lately, and my main takeaway is that you can, if you are rich or a lawyer, hurt people an awful lot even if they never slandered you, simply by wasting their time and money on fighting you.  This is what the Legion of Christ used to do, and it's gross.

3

Let's see, what else am I supposed to have an opinion on?  Oh, right, Northam wearing blackface.  Again, don't really have a strong opinion.  I think at some point it would be nice if we had some kind of consistent rubric for what sort of long-ago misdeeds should be career-destroying.  Raping someone is definitely a yes, and dancing is definitely a no, but blackface?  I'm not sure.

Part of what feeds into this is that I had no idea till . . . I guess a few years ago? . . . that blackface was a thing.  People did it at Christendom and I thought it was just part of a costume, like when our school play had two black characters and zero black actors to cast.  But another time, two girls dressed up as a black woman and a Hispanic woman and told racist jokes.  That one, I did have an issue with, but I also felt confused because everyone around me was saying it was fine, it was just a joke, and we didn't have to be oversensitive.  I guess a part of me can see how someone could grow up in an environment like that and truly not realize that what they were doing was wrong.

That said, it's also perfectly likely that a person might have done it because they were a racist and still are a racist.  Racists don't generally run for office on a "vote for me, I'm a racist" platform.  (Well, these days some do!)  You're never going to get all that much evidence that someone is racist because they're going to carefully not tell you.  And then if their actions seem biased in some ways, they can always tell you they don't see race and didn't mean it that way and you're a horrible person for making such terrible assumptions.  What exactly do we have to go on?

I think it would help if people would fess up ahead of getting caught and clearly explain why they did it and how they changed.  Let them really show they understood what they did and are just as horrified now as the rest of us.  That's always what I felt Regnum Christi should do, and which they did not do.  For that matter, neither did Christendom.  While words aren't proof of anything, they do help.

Well, after I decided that, the third guy in line for Virginia Governor came out and did exactly that.  He fessed up without getting caught, he described how wrong blackface is, why he'd done it, and how he'd come around.  And for that reason, I think he's probably the best to take over if Northam steps down.  (Fairfax sounded like a great choice, and then it came out he maybe assaulted somebody.  Not the best and brightest, our VA government.)

The funny thing is that all this came out now.  Hey, if people said that about Kavanaugh, I can say it now.  A prolife group dug through Northam's past to find those pictures, deliberately, because they didn't like something he said about abortion.  That shouldn't have any bearing on our reaction to Northam -- I mean, he admitted he did it, so I'm not saying it's a lie -- but it does annoy me that the exact same people who attacked Christine Blasey Ford a few months ago for coming forward now, are eager to brand everyone as a hypocrite over Northam for not caring exactly as much about him.  Originally it was supposed to be that they were supporting him, but Democrats shocked everyone by not supporting Northam, so the goalposts have moved to "you have to care and share this around exactly as much."  It's just . . . annoying to me.  I feel the level of political discourse has plunged, and even when I say that I feel like someone is going to jump in and try to start an argument about whose fault it is.  Because that's what we have to do about everything.

4

Let's see, what else?  It's been cold.  I hate the cold.  I'm ready for spring.  We've had a warm few days, and I've loved them, but I'm not fooled.  I know it's not spring.  It's First Fake Spring, and we are due for several more before real spring.

5

I've been a lot more active on Twitter, thanks to finding a lot of interesting people there during NaNoWriMo.  I also followed a ton of literary agents and found the hashtag #writingcommunity.  There's plenty of fun stuff going on, and I've managed to miss a lot of the toxicity that has driven me away from Twitter in the past.  (I'm @agiftuniverse if you want to follow.)

6

Jackie is two.  It hasn't helped.

Well, okay, she is getting somewhat easier.  She finally dropped her nap, I think for real this time, so she's going to bed more like nine and not eleven.  And we don't have the afternoon meltdown between when she needs to nap and when she actually naps, plus the post-nap meltdown because she wanted to sleep longer.

It helps if I can get her to eat some real food.  She really needs to be eating food, and it's hard to get her to do it, especially at breakfast.  She wants to spend breakfast time on my lap, keeping me from getting any.  Or fishing in my cereal for raisins, which she then does not eat.  It's . . . not my favorite.

She talks a lot.  I'm really impressed with how much she says and pretends.

Miriam is quite prickly these days.  I don't remember four being that difficult with Michael.  It was with Marko, but less than three was . . . he mostly just fought with Michael and bit him, but there weren't the same massive meltdowns.  I guess I'm frustrated with Miriam because she was so easy six months ago.

Michael hates school a lot.  I think it wears him out.  Plus it takes away his precious free time, so that he's even more sour when I ask him to do the simplest thing, because he JUST got started playing, GOSH MOM.  Anyway I am a little concerned about it.  Is school not working for him?  Should I consider homeschooling him next year?  Or should I hope that next year he gets a teacher who manages to engage him?  That decision doesn't have to be made now, but it's definitely on my mind.

Marko is . . . Marko.  So much energy.  So much leaping around the house.  So much organizing awesome games for his siblings and then screaming in their faces if they play them wrong.

But he also is reading more and more, with greater ease, and I love that.

7

I've been using Goodreads lately to try to find books I'll like and remember the books other people recommend to me. Since it's on my phone, it's easy to pull up the app at the library and go looking for the books I want. So far this year I've found two excellent authors I hadn't read before: Ann Leckie and Naomi Novik.

Leckie's book Ancillary Justice was really good. Sci-fi often has the problem of focusing too hard on the science and not enough on character, descriptions, and style. Not this. I felt sucked into the universe of the story, and into the head of the main character - a cyborg soldier reminiscent of the Borg. Only she has a lot more emotion than people realize, and she's going through the book mourning a traumatic event that happened in the past. The story is told partly through flashbacks, and when you finally realize what happened, it's pretty emotional. I definitely would recommend it, and the sequel. I haven't read the third yet.

The Novik books I've read so far are Uprooted and Spinning Silver. They're basically fairy tales, but in an Eastern European setting that feels very different and real. The evils our characters have to deal with are deeply creepy... especially in Uprooted, where it's the forest itself.

How have you guys been?  Is anybody still reading?

What I do like about KonMari

I haven't read Marie Kondo's book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.  And I only watched one episode of her show before deciding it was too much human conflict and not enough relaxing shots of people folding things.  But it's a cultural phenomenon, and we all have to have an opinion on it now, so here goes.

I don't like to fold things.  And if I got rid of all the things that don't spark joy, I'd have no daytime pants.  Some of the quotes I've read seem a little inapplicable if you don't have disposable income, like "you can just buy another one if you realize you did need it."  But I don't want to just come out against her because there's one thing she's teaching that's really important, not just for tidying up, but for everything.

THERE IS NOTHING MAGICAL ABOUT THE STATUS QUO.

That is why you take all your stuff out of your closets and examine it as if it weren't your stuff.  Instead of thinking "do I have to get rid of this?" you can think, "would I buy it again?"  Our brains have a giant bias toward the status quo.  Plenty of things which we wouldn't bother to buy, we act like we need because we already have them.

In Thinking Fast and Slow (a book everyone should read), they did an experiment where they gave some people coffee mugs and some people pens, and then gave them the option to trade the gift they got.  Almost everyone chose to keep the thing they already had, not because it was better, but because they saw it as giving up something they already had, and they were already attached to it.

All over the internet, people are applying this wisdom to everything.  What if we looked at our lifestyle, relationships, political systems, and hobbies, not with the bias toward keeping everything the same, but with the attitude that it has to offer something of value to be kept?

This is, incidentally, how my husband got me out of Regnum Christi.  I was obsessing over whether I was unhappy enough to leave.  Instead, he asked, "If you were considering joining it now, would you?"  Well, obviously not.  So I threw it out of my life and that sparked so much joy.

I'm never going to be a KonMari junkie, because like 90% of my stuff does spark joy and the other 10%, I can't afford to replace.  But I did help Miriam KonMari her clothes, and years ago I did my underwear drawer, and it gives you this feeling of lightness to dig down to the stuff you never look at and get it out of your house.

And I feel the same lightness is available when you get rid of an intangible thing: that person you follow on Twitter but who only makes you angry; the time you spend on a website because it's a habit even though it's not much fun; the need to lose weight; the obligation to homeschool or make everything from scratch; the rent-free space a person you dislike is taking up in your head.  You don't have to hate them to get rid of them!  You can just decide they don't add anything, thank them for the good they did you back when they were new, and take them to the curb.  It's okay.  You don't owe anything to the status quo.  You can let it go.

Green vs. blue

I love personality types.  Some schemes are better than others, and none of them are all that rigorous, but I find it helps me to understand better that some people are coming from a completely different place than I am.

So when a friend shared this with me, I loved it.  Basically, the five colors in Magic: The Gathering can stand for five personality types, or rather priorities.  The way I could summarize it would be something like: White prioritizes order and community; Red independence and action; Black self-interest and ambition; Green balance and nature.  But really, you have to read the post.

Anyway, I read that and saw immediately that in my heart of hearts, I'm green.  I feel on a deep level that everything is so complex and interconnected that you will never understand it, you just have to accept it.  Nature always feels like the right answer to me -- to say, "If you meddle, you're likely to make things worse; stick with what's natural."  I hate taking medicines and I hate processed food.  I would love to go live in the woods like the guy in My Side of the Mountain.

Green has its flaws.  If nature is your highest goal, human ends are going to take a backseat.  Sometimes the most natural thing in the world is death, and humans don't want to die (that, too, is natural).  We are part of nature, but every part of nature isn't just in balance with every other part, it's also, in a way, at war with every other part.  You can't just choose to stand aloof from that struggle, simply because you see it is all part of a whole.  You can't help being part of it, complete with all your needs and desires: the desire to live, to protect your loved ones, to avoid suffering.  Anything else would be a little inhuman.

For the past several years I've been becoming more and more nuanced in my views, realizing that many things that are true are in tension with other true things.  For instance, non-aggression can sometimes lead to change; but that is in tension with another truth, that in some cases nothing will get better without fighting.  And I finally started applying this balance and nuance to my belief in balance itself.  Even Green isn't good by itself.  It has to be balanced with other things.  And what I tend to balance Green with is Blue.

Blue is kind of the opposite of Green.  Blue people are scientists and alchemists and wizards.  It's all about the perfectability of the world -- through understanding it.  The sort of person who breaks a thing to see what is inside.  (Who has, Gandalf reminds us, left the path of wisdom.)  But this mad tinkering is, at its heart, compassionate and optimistic.  It says: there is no reason the way things are is the way they must be; we must improve them for human ends.

Blue on its own is kind of horrifying to me.  Too heedless!  Blue scientists spray the world with DDT first, and find out it kills birds after.  Split the atom first, find out about radiation after.  You can actually destroy the planet that way.  And all with noble ends!

But Blue and Green together temper each other's flaws.  A blue-green person says: Yes, there is a deeper balance to everything; everything is more complicated than you think; it is much easier to wreck the whole thing than to improve it; seek to understand before you try to improve.  But on the other hand, the balance that currently exists may not be the best of all possible situations, especially for our own ends, and one might theoretically create a slightly better balance.

For instance: disease is entirely natural.  We can medicate a disease, but when we do so, there can be unwanted effects.  Antibiotics can create superbugs.  On the other hand, what if we carefully harnessed those forces already within the body to train them to fight the germ more effectively?  That way we could somewhat tilt the balance of the fight toward humans without throwing it off altogether.  I'm talking, of course, about vaccines.  Vaccines are very blue-green.  Of course the more "green" you are the more suspicious and careful you'd be, but at some point you'd have to see that survival is more important than a perfectly natural, untampered immune system.

I feel that most people tilt way too hard toward one or the other extreme.  Too green, and you reject science without even giving it a chance, because you're too suspicious of possible harm to existing systems.  Too blue, and you'll fail to recognize the power of a complex system.  Blue wants to control and perfect everything; Green refuses to control anything because everything is already what it was always supposed to be.

I can apply this to about everything.  Economics: Hayek is green (the economy is too complicated! just leave it alone!) and Keynes is blue (here's a math equation which will let us end depressions!).  Foreign policy: the Green approach is isolationism, even if a genocide is happening next door; but the policy that reigns is usually a particularly stupid kind of Blue that imagines we can force international situations into a favorable balance by getting involved in everything.  Parenting: I started off very Green (just let the kids take the lead!) and have tempered it with some Blue (my kids don't actually know what is good for them sometimes).  Too much Blue would be assuming the right inputs from me would automatically result in good behavior.

I'm going to close with two "litanies" referenced in the original post, both of when I find helpful when it comes to seeking truth.  First is the Litany of Tarski, a very "blue" mantra:

If something is true,
I desire to believe that it is true.

If it is not true,
I desire to believe that it is not true.
Let me not become attached to beliefs I may not want.

Next, the Litany of Gendlin, which was described as green:

What is true is already so.
Owning up to it doesn't make it worse.
Not being open about it doesn't make it go away.
And because it's true, it is what is there to be interacted with.
Anything untrue isn't there to be lived.
People can stand what is true,
for they are already enduring it.

Both Blue and Green agree on this point: one must understand the world and accept the truth about it.  Which is something I always try to do.  Yes, it's deeply complex, and you're never going to understand it completely.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek understanding -- balanced with humble appreciation of the mysteries you won't ever understand.

Word for 2019

Last night, I read through all my old New Year posts.  (And gave them a label, because I do this every year and it's a bit of a hassle finding them.)  The "word" thing has definitely worked well for me.  It gives me the sense that I'm working on something, even though it seems so often that I'm standing still.

Last year the word was "me."  I didn't tell y'all that because I was embarrassed -- it felt self-absorbed.  It had a dual meaning.  First, I need to take care of myself and not feel guilty for making "me" a priority from time to time.  Which I did: I went to the dentist and got five cavities drilled; I got glassses; I paid real money for a real haircut.  Twice!  And I allowed myself to actually insist on a little of my own time to submit my novel and work on the next one.  It helped immensely that John has been supportive.  I really don't think I could do it if he gave me the slightest sense, ever, that I was shirking my real job by writing.  Instead he believes I will actually get published and so it IS real work.  And that I shouldn't give up the work I want to do for something with a shorter-term reward.

The second meaning of "me" is that I should be less embarrassed to be myself.  I realized that I have been making myself vanilla for years--really, since boarding school--for fear of being rejected for being different.  And I never got rejected, but I found it hard to make friends.  I realized that people had a hard time figuring out what I was all about because I was too inoffensive.  Appearance: bland.  Conversation topics: the weather, funny anecdotes.  I almost never got John's attention because of this; he says what made the real difference was when after a whole year of knowing each other, I finally got steamed up enough about something to vehemently state my opinion.  (It was that NFP is overused, ha ha haaaa.)  He liked that because it showed I had some ... "intellectual sharpness," I think he called it.  

Anyway the idea was to do more of that kind of thing.  Try to bat signal the people who might like me, even at the risk that people might be turned off by me.  I don't mean online--internet expression takes so much less courage, and I think I need to work on not doing it too much.  But real, in-person courage.  Dyeing my hair blue was the main way I did that.

And it worked!  Lots of people who would have normally ignored me started giving me compliments.  I had many people say "oh, blue hair! I've always wanted to try purple/green/pink."  A lady at school said that and then actually did it!  I was really proud of her.  I don't know if it helped any, but I've made some friends this year.  My across-the-street neighbor and I talk now, and our kids play.  That's the only in-person one, but I made a lot of online friends.

Some unexpected things happened this year.  The biggest one was working to reform my alma mater and then, when it proved resistant to any kind of reform, working for this advocacy organization.  I didn't do a whole lot, thanks to being overwhelmed all the time, but I tried.

Because of that, I got threatened to be outed as an atheist by a fellow alum.  It freaked me out for about three days and then I called his bluff and told people anyway.  Because you know what?  I don't need friends whose friendship was conditional on me being someone I am not in real life.  Letting go of the fear of rejection from my Catholic friends has been a goal for me for years, and in the end I had to get forced into facing it.  So, thanks?

Of course being ex-Catholic is suddenly a lot trendier all of a sudden, because of the scandals.  There are a lot of people walking away.   And the kind of liberal Catholics I hang out with these days are really understanding of that because they've been tempted to do the same.  Now, I didn't actually leave because of scandals -- if I still thought it was all true, I'd probably be suffering through it to this day -- but scandals do seem like additional evidence that the chain of trust that brings us all those doctrines is not reliable.  Anyway the company is nice.

John has started going to an Orthodox church.  I have mixed feelings about this.  I like that he found a place where he is happy -- and boy is he happy about it.  He's obsessed with reading books, watching sermons, joining Facebook groups.  And that makes me feel suspicious, because getting too into religion was so very bad for me.  I also feel a little funny about the kids getting into it.  While I think some exposure to religion is good, I wasn't expecting them to swallow it all so eagerly.  I should probably write a whole post about that.

He also started getting mental health treatment: a bipolar diagnosis, meds, and therapy.  It's a process, but he's definitely feeling a lot better than he was.  He did well at work this year, but his beloved boss quit, so he's lost some job satisfaction on that front.  Discouragingly, there just aren't a lot of jobs that fit his career path around here.  But the thought of ever moving is .... not appealing.

Overall this year continues the slog upward from the low point that was 2016.  Jackie is still super difficult -- she nurses as much as ever, stays up late as ever, screams quite a lot.  But she plays with the big kids more and definitely screams less as she slowly stops needing the naps it's so difficult to get her to take.  Most importantly, she's developing a ton of personality, so I feel a lot more bonded to her now.  Miriam is getting increasingly bored at home, which probably means she's ready for school.  Michael still complains a lot about school, but he very suddenly started reading recently, so that's good.  And Marko has been doing very well.  He reads a lot and loves school more than ever.  Occasionally he goes on a kick for a week or two where he is as annoying as possible to everyone; I wish I knew what that was all about.  But he's mainly doing very well.

My writing, editing, and submitting are all going great.  I don't have as much time to spend on them as I'd like, but I have some and I'm using it well.

The first step of conventional publishing is to query a literary agent.  You send a letter to the agent with a blurb describing what your story is about, and often some number of pages as well.  I've sent out over a hundred, which was my goal for the year.  And I've had seventy-two lovely rejections, mostly form letters.  But I did get a couple encouraging ones saying they liked it.  One even gave me some tips for revising, which I took.  I also ditched my prologue, which stung, but I got more positive responses after that.  When you've got five pages to impress someone in, you don't want to blow one on prologue.

But I did get eight positive replies, meaning they asked for more pages or the whole manuscript.  Four of them read it and wrote back that they weren't interested after all, and four are still reading it.  I wish I knew how long it would take.  I'm not submitting any more at present, because I want to give them a chance to read it, but I will probably get back to it soon if I don't hear anything.

This is the achievement I'm proudest of this year!  Even if I don't publish this book, I now know how to navigate the query process and have overcome my fear of letting people read my stuff.  It will probably be at least six months before the alien story is ready to query, but I will do that too, and with a lot less trepidation.

So, what about next year?  I tried to think of a word but drew a total blank for awhile.  Then I thought of a day I had last week.  I had talked to a friend, who told me, "You still seem very overwhelmed, and really anxious."  Which was more shattering than maybe it should have been.  My focus has been really heavily on, "but I'm doing so much better!"  And I am.  But I'm still just getting by in a lot of ways.  And anxiety?  Well, that same day I lost a lot of sleep thinking about ever moving from our house.  The very thought that anything could ever change made me panic.  I don't like that about myself.  I used to be so fearless, so excited for change!  Now our life feels like a very precarious balance that can be totally derailed by almost anything.

Partly it's true, because a family of six people is a complicated machine.  But partly I'm still traumatized by 2016.  I feel like any change is guaranteed to be for the worse.  And moving?  Our move was a horrible experience that, years later, makes me never want to do it again.  I feel like I got changed somehow, from a free spirit who was willing to set out to whole new cities without fear, to somebody huddling under the bed hoping that nothing will ever change.  Even though there is a lot that's uncomfortable about my life!  This town isn't exactly ideal for me and we don't have enough money.  A move might be good, but I'm just too scared.

So of course after thinking of all this the word "brave" popped into my head.  I don't like that word.  I want to pick something else.  But I think it's occurring to me for a reason, which is that I am not really happy huddling under the bed.  "Brave" is going to mean working on my anxiety, which is better but still a problem.  Maybe facing new things, whether a move or a new job or something smaller.  I've been way braver this year in a lot of ways, from daring to take the kids places to calling strangers on the phone -- I want to do more of that.

Wish me luck!  Do you have a word for the year?