tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post2831147500716066605..comments2023-10-21T03:54:12.029-04:00Comments on A Gift Universe: The privilege of being a woman?Sheilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-85423718784714318152015-01-24T22:02:06.626-05:002015-01-24T22:02:06.626-05:00Re: mother uniform - a blogger I read suggested br...Re: mother uniform - a blogger I read suggested bringing back the apron! I don't even own one, but I have to say I'm a fan theoretically. Something you always have, that you can use as a potholder or a nosewiper or whatever else you need, which your kids can develop an attachment to simply as a proxy for you! (As in: tied to the apron strings ... but I've also read wistful recollections from older people about their mother's apron, how they used to bury their faces in it when they were sad, and so forth.)<br /><br />Me, I stick with my trusty mei tai ... I wear it daily "on the job." But you know how I feel about pashminas too.<br /><br />I'd say most mothers go for yoga pants, and I do love them; they are practical for the things I do. But there's something of a movement (What I Wore Sunday linkup, for instance) of trying to dress nicely to break the stereotype of the denim jumper and make motherhood look glamorous. I don't think I am the one to bring glamor to motherhood ... but I did get a nice haircut the other day. I do think there's something to be said for letting younger women know, you don't HAVE to give up pretty things when you have kids.<br /><br />Another respect tip: I would wholeheartedly back the total abolition of the word "mommy" (or "mummy") to refer to anyone besides your OWN mother. This is not a "mommy blog." It is a blog belonging to a mother. Cutesy nicknames belittle my intelligence, my status as an adult, and the importance of what I do.Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-59338039724026993092015-01-24T16:31:01.830-05:002015-01-24T16:31:01.830-05:00And within the natural parenting "tribe,"...And within the natural parenting "tribe," there's a huge prestige group thing going on. Outsiders hate it, hence all the nasty articles about "mompetitors" and overachievers. It's not about competition or overachieving (mostly), it's about taking pride in your work. You learn the lingo (specialized jargon is a big group-binding thing), you sport the style (baby wraps and slings), you have some of your closest friends within that community. And why not? If you have to pick a friend, isn't it better to have someone who says "what you do every day is valuable and skilled, and I know because I do it too" rather than someone who just overlooks the most important part of your life?<br /><br />That said, it would be bad to be TOO exclusive, because then you're just being a snob. And if part of taking pride in motherhood is making adorable Pinterest things, that's fine, but not if it's a competition.<br /><br />For outside appreciation, I have to say, most of the people I know are amazing at it. At social events, people insist that I sit down while they bring me a drink. Christendom people in particular treat me with the same sort of awe they otherwise reserve for their professors.<br /><br />It suddenly occurs to me that this is the REAL reason for chivalry. I tend to be unimpressed by symbolic "chivalrous" gestures, because they are often done by sexist guys who think I must now look up to them because they opened the door, but Chesterton (him again!) says he raises his hat to women to acknowledge that in general, women have had a harder time. I *do* appreciate it if it's meant like that!<br /><br />Of course Mary is the prime archetype for womanhood. She can't be the only one for me, simply because I don't know enough about her to feel I can imitate her. But one of the really neat things about being Catholic is that the things despised beforehand -- children, mothers -- are revered now. Putting Mary as Queen of Heaven is a prestige boost for all women, for sure!Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-65428618032070955682015-01-24T13:12:51.843-05:002015-01-24T13:12:51.843-05:00Ah, a maternal First Lady! For some reason First ...Ah, a maternal First Lady! For some reason First Ladies around here seem to downplay that role. Though I think part of it is that the wife has to "run for president" along with her husband and that's a miserable job with a baby. (Town Council elections were intense enough!) But there's always Duchess Kate! :D Who has, in fact, given a LOT of prestige to motherhood, to the point that I think she must have boosted the birthrate.<br /><br />When I think of prestige, I don't just mean the outward kind, where outsiders respect your group, but also the inward kind, where insiders are proud to be a part of it. Now that I think of it, this sort of "prestige group" attitude is what makes altar serving so special. Not that it's all boys -- but that it's NOT "just anybody." Ditto school plays. If you are good enough to get a part, you get to be part of this special insider group -- a group with skills and knowledge outsiders don't have.<br /><br />And I'm not wholly complaining here. Women DO, in fact, have that sort of cliquishness. There are all sorts of articles about "what having kids is like" and an understanding that, if you haven't, you just don't get it. I got it lots when I was a teacher, and the mothers all looked down their noses at me a bit. It wasn't pleasant at the time, but now I kind of get it. As soon as I got pregnant, I got the "now you are one of us" vibe ... because it was something they felt I'd *earned.* I'd suffered enough that we could commiserate, while at the same time realizing that outsiders wouldn't really understand.Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-70819515834944456012015-01-24T10:27:17.522-05:002015-01-24T10:27:17.522-05:00+JMJ+
All this is related to what you were sayi...+JMJ+ <br /><br /><br />All this is related to what you were saying about prestige. It really does help to raise the profile of certain activities when a highly visible and (dare I say it) <i>glamourous</i> person openly chooses to do them. (In my First Lady fantasy, I take for granted that I'm glamourous. =P) This is where I think motherhood has its biggest PR challenge. The Marines are cool because, no matter how miserable the work they have to do, a man in uniform still looks kind of hot. (Another feminist critique of my writing would point out that there are women in uniform, too. But I wonder whether they are having an effect on the military similar to the effect woman are having in that other field of paediatrics.) <br /><br />Are there PR lessons to be learned from this? Is there a "uniform" that mothers can wear, which will signal their membership in an elite corps? (I've read that denim jumpers are practically a uniform of Catholic homeschooling mothers in America, but not everyone likes this look. =P) Riffing off a cliche that would seem to explain the appeal of a Marine--that men want to be him and women want to be with him--is there something that a mother can do to make men want a wife like her and women want a <i>life</i> like hers? It's natural for women to want to have children, of course, but what can a woman do that will make teenage girls want to be young mothers rather than putting it off until their late 30s. She shouldn't do it primarily for the PR, of course, but she should be aware that it sends a message. And yet it's very unfair to mothers to expect them to do their jobs well and still look nice. <br /><br />Having written all that, I want to repeat what I said in the feminism thread: that I think going after "prestige" means nothing unless we can set measurable objectives for this goal. And there is the built-in problem that prestige "moves"--so having gained one generation's mark of prestige, we may often find that the next generation isn't very impressed. <br /><br /><i>But</i> I do want to propose one sort-of measurable objective: an increase in the numbers of women <i>and</i> men who identify as devotees of Mary. In Mary, what women <i>do</i> becomes less important than what women <i>are</i>. And that's good because, as you've noted, many of the actual tasks of a mother can be palmed off on a minimum wage worker. This also demolishes the unfortunate political divide between stay-at-home mothers and working mothers, because the conflict between them seems to boil down to who is <i>doing</i> the right things. <br /><br />A non-Catholic former acquaintance of mine once asked me how Catholic women could stand having Mary held up as a model to them, when none of us will <i>ever</i> even come close. I wish I had had the answer for him that I do now, which is that being a member of the Mystical Body means that our striving to be like Mary is not something we do alone, but <i>with</i> Mary. So a baptised Christian can be very Marian just by trying (even if she fails a lot), while a non-baptised woman will always be in the position that that acquaintance had in mind. I'd add that all motherhood really only makes sense in the light of Mary's motherhood. <i>This</i> is its true prestige. And Mary is really the only mother "glamourous" enough to show this vocation as the beautiful choice it is. Enbrethilielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03414765854670926854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-75526327190733566902015-01-24T10:26:59.663-05:002015-01-24T10:26:59.663-05:00+JMJ+
My childhood experience was close to Ariad...+JMJ+ <br /><br />My childhood experience was close to Ariadne's. I had adults tell me to my face, though not in a mean way at all, that I couldn't do certain things I was attracted to because those were just "for boys." And it really did make me want to be a boy as a child. <br /><br />But when my body started changing, the real source of trauma for me was not being beautiful--not even close. During my early teen years, I still had the huge burn scar I got as an infant (back when burning hemangiomas was still standard medical practice); and after that, I had the scars of major reconstructive surgery. And it really hurt that none of the boys liked me, due to something I had no control over. <br /><br />Anyway, back to your post. I think it's only logical that you started talking about women in general and ended up talking about mothers--if only because becoming a mother makes all the inconveniences of having a woman's body worth it. Well, yes, as you point out, motherhood also exponentially increases a woman's stress and suffering . . . but let's stick with the first point until the day I join your sisterhood and become an expert vomit catcher myself. ;-P <br /><br />As with many of the things that you write, Sheila, the issue of prestige overlaps with something that I've been thinking about on my own. After you e-mailed me about indigo, I looked it up and learned that a former First Lady of the Philippines had tried (and sadly, failed) to make indigo a significant crop in the agricultural sector once more. And it made me think, "Oh, man, if <i>I</i> were First Lady, what <i>wouldn't</i> I be doing?" <br /><br />(It occurs to me that the "feminist reading" of my last paragraph would critique me for wanting to be First Lady rather than President. LOL! But I do think that these two roles empower people in different ways. And I'd really rather focus on culture over politics.) <br /><br />If I were First Lady, the shampoo companies would hate me for promoting "no poo" alternatives. =P Heck, companies from <i>several</i> different industries might have something to say about my personal commitment to make as many of my personal care items as possible from raw materials. But the weavers and the dyers just might love me. And yes, I'd try to make knitting cool as well. Also, if I had an infant (though First Ladies usually don't), two words: baby wearing. Four more words: with pina-cotton blend wraps. And so on . . . Enbrethilielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03414765854670926854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-26208846553421656582015-01-23T17:22:22.731-05:002015-01-23T17:22:22.731-05:00Bits. I admit to plagiarizing her title. ;)Bits. I admit to plagiarizing her title. ;)Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-21283260316923104502015-01-23T11:52:14.671-05:002015-01-23T11:52:14.671-05:00+JMJ+
I don't have time for a comprehensive ...+JMJ+ <br /><br />I don't have time for a comprehensive comment, but the instant I read your title, I thought of Alice von Hildebrand's book <i>The Privilege of Being a Woman</i>. Have you read it, Sheila? Enbrethilielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03414765854670926854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-35504434172243163542015-01-23T08:53:57.472-05:002015-01-23T08:53:57.472-05:00My sister's very athletic, like I was. Her fa...My sister's very athletic, like I was. Her favorite things are swimming, gymnastics, and riding bikes. She's pretty much never sick. I remember how very upset I was to have that zero-maintenance kid body replaced by this awkward, jiggly, unpredictable woman body.Sheilahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10853868724554947854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-34325032828303493292015-01-23T07:51:11.980-05:002015-01-23T07:51:11.980-05:00Yeah, I never had that either. I've had asthma...Yeah, I never had that either. I've had asthma since I was 1 year old, and it was a very serious problem in my first 6 six years of life.<br /><br />I'm quite happy to be a woman, though. There was a time when I was growing up that I thought it would be more fun to be a boy because girls couldn't do so many cool things. Then I grew up and found out I was wrong about that.Ariadnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08974270928059434503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-25304252093236729152015-01-22T22:32:09.407-05:002015-01-22T22:32:09.407-05:00"You know how you've always been comforta..."You know how you've always been comfortable in your own skin and your body never gave you the least bit of trouble?"<br /><br />Nope. I never had that -- not beyond the age of about 7.Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03992516879346846271noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2464977109229359349.post-57793869271561993242015-01-22T17:06:45.081-05:002015-01-22T17:06:45.081-05:00this is a really good post! I totally agree with i...this is a really good post! I totally agree with it. Allisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18037863893536646602noreply@blogger.com